Tagged: “Dr. Robert Enright”
How can I get rid of my anger if I do not confront the person at whom I am very angry?
It seems that you might be trying to seek justice or maybe even a bit of payback from the person. I have found that the quest for justice does not always end this kind of anger. In fact, the quest for justice sometimes can increase the anger if the justice is not realized. A more sure way of reducing your anger is to try to forgive, but only if you are ready to do so. You can forgive without the other person being present by engaging in the exercises of what we call the personal, global, and cosmic perspectives. The gist of these exercises is to see the other in a much broader context than the hurts against you. Try to see the wounds in the other; try to see the common humanity that both of you share. Such perspectives do take time and so please be gentle with yourself during this time.
For additional information, see The Personal, Global, and Cosmic Perspectives.
I don’t want to forgive a certain person because I am so fuming at what she did. I simply refuse to think about this person. Out of sight in this case means out of mind. I think I will be fine, but I am checking in with you for your opinion.
It is important to realize that when you are “so fuming” it is not necessarily easy to be rid of that anger. The idea of out of sight and out of mind is not so easily achieved because the emotion of anger is not always controlled by the mind. The anger, in other words, can resurface. If you find this happening to you, then you might consider forgiving.
For additional information, see Why Forgive?
I am innocent of all charges against me! My friend thinks I was insensitive. I disagree. Should I apologize even if I think I was not offensive?
You do not have to offer a specific apology such as, “I am sorry that I did X.” Instead, you might want to say something like this, “I am sorry that what I said made you angry.” Saying this with sincerity might help. As you can see, you are not saying that you did something offensive. You are saying that you are feeling badly that your friend was hurt.
For additional information, see Why Forgive?
My friend and I got into an argument. We both exchanged words and we are not talking. What should I do now: wait, tell her that I forgive her, or apologize?
If the initial anger has quieted, then I recommend the humble approach by gently offering an apology. Often, a sincere offer of apology helps the other to forgive. From a philosophical perspective, one can forgive unconditionally without an apology, but the apology does help.
For additional information, see Learning to Forgive Others.
I am not able to gather any concrete information about the person who robbed me. How then do I forgive when I cannot examine this person’s life, including any trauma that might have contributed to this hurtful action?
We talk about taking three perspectives on the one whom you are forgiving: the personal perspective, the global perspective, and the cosmic perspective. The personal perspective is as you describe: trying to better understand the person’s own struggles, confusions, and wounds. Yet, you still can take the global perspective in which you reflect on the shared humanity between you and the person who robbed you. You both have worth, not because of your actions, but because each of you is unique and irreplaceable in this world. Depending on your spiritual/religious beliefs, you might consider the cosmic perspective: Are you both made in the image and likeness of God? Thinking in these ways may help you soften your heart toward the person.
For additional information, see Forgiveness Defined.
