Tagged: “Dr. Robert Enright”

As a follow-up to my question about growing in our humanity when we forgive, do you think that our forgiving others can help them grow in their humanity?

The philosophy of virtue-ethics has as one of its major premises that all people have free will. This is the case because, without our free choices in life, we cannot willingly decide, for example, to be just or fair to others. When you forgive someone for unjust behavior, you are giving that person the opportunity to examine that behavior and to change. Yet, because of the premise of free will, it now is up to that person how to grow in fairness. The person will need insight (I did wrong), have inner sorrow (remorse), apologize (repent), and amend the ways that are unfair. Your forgiving will not automatically lead to all of this, but again, you are offering an important opportunity in that direction for the one who offended.

Where and how can you start to forgive yourself?

I have found that self-forgiveness for many people is more difficult than forgiving others because we are harder on ourselves.  So, I recommend that first you forgive someone who has hurt you.  We have several self-help books for this, such as The Forgiving Life.  Once you know the pathway of forgiving others, then you can apply that learning to yourself.  You can begin to see your own inherent (built-in) worth.  You can start to bear the pain of what happened so that you are not continually condemning yourself for what you did in the past.  You can begin to welcome yourself back into the human community.

You can read some specifics about self-forgiveness by clicking on the Set Yourself Free link below, which is from my blog at Psychology Today, also called The Forgiving Life:

Another source is the chapter on self-forgiveness in my book, 8 Keys to Forgiveness.

I wish you the best in this healing journey.

It is hard to see the other’s wounds when she wounded me a hundred times more than what she is carrying around. When I try to look at her wounds it makes me frustrated and sad because of all the wasted time and all the hurt created. Will I ever be able to overcome this?

Yes, I truly believe you will overcome this with a determined will. Sometimes we have to fight for our healing and endure with great patience, but never, ever give up. Do not expect too much too soon. The forgiveness journey is just that, a journey and a challenging one at times. Yet, with practice you lessen anger a little more and then a little more until you can see the progress. As you are able, please keep reaching out to the other person as best you can today. Your mercy given to others will come back to you.

Based on a response in 8 Keys to Forgiveness, Chapter 5.

Can and Should Anyone Ever Forgive Those Who Perpetrate Genocide?

I have been studying forgiveness for the past 36 years and this questions keeps coming up. To me, this means that it is a vital question as well as one filled with emotion for those who ask. Given that we have worked in contentious world zones now for two decades, I have learned that the answer is important and can be contentious.

So, here are my views:

Because forgiveness is a moral virtue, as are justice, patience, kindness, and love, it should be seen as similar to all other moral virtues. Is there ever a case that a person would say to another, “You must not ever be fair or just in situation X for this reason…….”? This likely would never seem correct to anyone because we all have the freedom of our will to be fair whenever we want to enact justice. To prevent a person who is intent on fairness would seem unfair.

I think it is the same with regard to forgiveness under any circumstance. If the potential-forgiver has thought about the situation, determines it was unfair, and willingly chooses to forgive, then it is that person’s free will choice to do so.

Yes, others may look on with disgust or confusion because of another person’s decision to forgive, especially in the grave issue of genocide, but again, we have to fall back onto the quality of forgiveness, what it is in its essence: Forgiveness is the free will decision to be good to those who have not been good to the forgiver. In doing so, the forgiver never distorts the injustice by saying, “It’s ok what happened.” No. What happened was wrong, is wrong, and always will be wrong. Forgiveness now is a response to the other person or persons who perpetrated this wrongdoing. The potential-forgiver can and should fight for justice even when forgiving. Forgiveness should not cancel this quest for fairness and safety. In fact, forgiving may help a person to reduce hatred which can consume one’s energy and well-being. The forgiving, there, might free the unjustly-treated person to strive with more vigor for fairness. 

In the final analysis, some people do decide to forgive those who perpetrated genocide. This is the free-will decision of the person and if this is done rationally then it is good because the appropriation of true moral virtues in a rational way is good by definition. When there is a philosophical distortion of forgiveness, such as engaging in the vice of cowardliness in which the false-forgiveness allows the unjust and powerful others to dominate people, then this is not forgiveness at all. It is a masquerade of forgiveness. Yet, true forgiveness, that does not back down, is a moral virtue whether or not others looking on judge it to be this or not.

At the same time, some people will decide not to forgive others who perpetrated genocide. This, too, is the person’s free will decision and those looking on, as in the case above, might best handle this situation by realizing that people have a difference of opinion at present on this moral dilemma of forgiving under the most trying of circumstances.

Can and should a person forgive those who perpetrate genocide? Yes, some can and should if they have good reasons to do so. Should all then forgive? No, because this suggests control over a person’s own private decision, which should be left to the one who experienced the trauma.

Robert

I understand there is forgiveness work done in Kosovo. If so, would you please let me know. I would like to get involved with that.

In September of 2014, I was invited and attended a meeting at the United Nations Population Fund in New York City. The goal of that meeting was to discuss and possibly begin forgiveness intervention work in Kosovo. This never materialized, much to my disappointment. Yet, if you are inspired to pick up that work, I would delight in working with you on this. We have resources on forgiveness education that can be translated into different languages and brought into families, schools, and houses of worship.