Tagged: “Dr. Robert Enright”
Should ‘Moral Love’ or ‘Respect’ or ‘Civility’ Underly Our Forgiving Others?
Moral love encompasses civility and respect in its response and so is the most complete. Civility is the least demanding and also the least complete. I can be civil and rather detached from a person who has hurt me. I can even be civil without respecting the person. Even respect does not go far enough. I can respect a person who has injured me and, of course, this is a major step in the right direction. Yet, respect can be given from a distance, from a position that does not ask for my sacrifice. When I extend moral love to another, I not only must be civil and respectful, I must be more than that. I must encounter the other with the intent of helping for his or her sake, not my own sake. To morally love another who has hurt me is to enter into that person’s world with an intent to serve, even to suffer to make him or her a better person to the extent that the person will allow that. Moral love asks the most of me in forgiveness.
Robert
I am an adult who has hurt my mother a number of times when I was a teenager. I now very much would like to have her forgive me, but I am not sure that she has thought much about forgiveness. She seems to have accepted who I was as a teen—a very immature young person. Yet, I would like to see her truly forgive me. How can I approach her with the idea of forgiveness?
One approach is to take one of the self-help books, such as my The Forgiving Life book published by the American Psychological Association. I recommend that you read it first. If you think it is appropriate for your mother, then share it with her and point out some of the sections in the book that proved helpful to you. Your mother might get interested and, if so, this would give her a chance to work through the forgiveness process.
Learn more at The Forgiving Life.
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Do you think that anger can be addictive?
If by addictive you mean the person falls into a pattern that is hard to break, then the answer is yes. People can fall into behaviors that involve temper, harsh language, and an adrenaline rush. People who have this pattern can be helped by seeing what in the past has led to an original anger. If it is an injustice, then forgiveness is appropriate. Next, the person needs to examine any sense of entitlement or even narcissism that fuels the anger and keeps it going. After that, the person needs to examine courageously who has been hurt by the anger-pattern and seek forgiveness from those who have been hurt by the pattern.
Learn more at Learning to Forgive Others.
My partner has hurt me very deeply. Now he refuses to get help for his drinking and basically is destroying himself. How do you forgive someone under these circumstances?
Actually, the forgiveness process will not differ to a great extent when the person is destroying the self. You might actually forgive for the original offense and then forgive for the situation in which the person now is not working with you to rise above the very challenging situation. In other words, you can forgive twice and the second one may be harder than the first because the person is not working as a team with you.
Learn more at Forgiveness for Couples.
I have forgiven someone who betrayed me and hurt me deeply. My attitude toward the person now is good. Yet, I have fear of this person. What else can I do to move more deeply in forgiveness?
It seems to me that the issue now is not so much forgiveness as it is reconciliation. Your fear likely is the result of a lack of trust toward the person because of the betrayal. Reconciliation has to be earned. Have you talked with the person and has this person understood the offense and now is willing to change? You need to build some confidence in this person’s behavior and this will come if the person begins to behave in a way as to earn your trust.
Learn more at What Forgiveness Is Not.
