Tagged: “Dr. Robert Enright”
I have a roommate who is very angry with his mother. It seems to me that he has built up a story on his mother that is exaggerated, in other words, not entirely true. What do you suggest I do to help him forgive?
First, it would be best to have him think as carefully and as rationally as possible to sort out what is true and what is false regarding the mother’s actions. He needs to take a courageous view of the truth of the mother’s actual injustice. Once this occurs, he should be able to see the exact injustices in which the mother engaged. Your roommate then can pick out one incident and forgive his mother for that one. Then he can move to another incident. Little by little, he may forgive so that his resentment lessens and he can consider approaching his mother with a deeper sense of her inherent worth.
For additional information, see What Is Forgiveness?
What are the different meanings to the word “forget” when we say, “Forgive and forget”?
I think people usually mean this: Do not let the previous injustice get in the way of your relationship now. It does not means this: Do not remember the other person’s weaknesses so that you are vulnerable to continued injustices. In other words, “forget” means this: Remember in new ways, without deep anger, and watch your back.
For additional information, see Forgiveness Defined.
What is one major difference between forgiving other people and forgiving yourself?
When you forgive others, if you did nothing wrong, then you do not ask for forgiveness. When you forgive yourself, you usually offend others by what you did. Thus, self-forgiveness involves not only welcoming yourself back into the human community but also seeking forgiveness from others for hurting them by this particular action.
For additional information, see Self-Forgiveness.
What is a healthy way of expressing anger?
A good way to start is by asking this question to yourself: “How will my specific way of expressing anger affect the other person(s) who are present when I express it?” In other words, your expression has an effect not only on you but on others. If you keep this in mind, your expression of that anger may be more temperate and thus not emotionally injure those who are present.
For additional information, see What Is Forgiveness?
Politics are coming between my partner and me. We have very different views. I tell him, over and over, that I respect him as a person even though I disagree with his political positions. It is not working. He is angry with me for not seeing the world his way. Help! What do I do?
You can start by forgiving your partner for insisting that you change your political views. This will not suffice to quell the conflict. Once you forgive, and your exasperation lessens, try to have a heart-to-heart talk. Be honest, and gentle, as you communicate your frustration with his insistence. Try to reach reconciliation by talking out specific ways in which both of you can respect each other as persons even with political differences. It will take time and effort, but may work.
For additional information, see Forgiveness for Couples.
