Tagged: “Dr. Robert Enright”

What does it mean to accept the pain of the other’s offense?

To accept the pain is not to put up with abuse. One first has to protect oneself by seeking justice from abuse.  To accept the pain is not to live with this pain for the rest of one’s life.  To accept the pain is to stand with that pain, to not run from that pain (because the injustice did happen).  To accept the pain is to make a commitment not to pass that pain back to the one who offended or to anyone else.  As one stands this way and commits to not passing the pain to others, the paradox is that the one who accepts the pain begins to notice that, over time, the pain begins to lessen.

For additional information, see the Four Phases of Forgiveness.

I want to reach out to a former good friend.  We have not talked in about a year.  I fear being humiliated.  What can I do to overcome this fear of humiliation?

You are showing courage to consider approaching the former good friend. I would suggest two things.  First, try to cultivate a sense of humility which may counter any harmful humiliation if the person rejects your overture of a renewed friendship.  In other words, cultivating humility gets you ready for a rejection.  Second, realize that the other person may not be as ready for a conversation as you are.  Even if you make the approach, please realize that the other may need time to adjust to this new overture.  A hesitancy on the other’s part today does not mean that this will continue indefinitely.  Humility and patience may help you in this case.

For additional information, see Learning to Forgive Others.

I know you talk about secondary forgiveness, or forgiving someone who hurt a person you love.  My question is this: Do you think it is legitimate to forgive the family member who is being hurt, who just lingers in the relationship without standing up for his own rights?  This is making me very angry.

Yes, if you are angry with your family member for not seeking justice, then it is your choice whether or not to forgive that person.  I realize that the one you are forgiving is not the victim in this scenario, but the person, in failing to exercise justice, is frustrating you and making you angry. This is sufficient to begin the forgiveness process if you are ready.

For additional information, see Why Forgive?

Criticisms of Forgiveness–4th in a series: “Forgiving Is Passive”

This argument, more from psychology than philosophy, does not present a moral criticism but does portray forgiving as negative. The gist of the argument is that forgiving always commences after injustice. It does not prevent injustice from happening in the first place, and so it is a passive form of communication and action.

Our response is a question: What is effective in stemming injustice in this imperfect world?

No form of communication, no problem-solving strategy to date, can prevent all injustice. Is it not reassuring to know that there is a potentially helpful response to injustice after it occurs?

Furthermore, we must ask why forgiveness is considered passive just because it comes after an injustice. When one examines the struggle to overcome anger, the struggle to offer undeserved compassion to an injurer, one can hardly label forgiving as passive.

Finally, as one forgives, is it not possible that the offender may be transformed through the forgiving, thus making that form of injustice less likely in the future? In such cases, forgiveness precedes issues of justice and injustice and acts as a preventive of further abuse.

Robert

Enright, Robert D.; Fitzgibbons, Richard P.. Forgiveness Therapy (Kindle Locations 5225-5234). American Psychological Association (APA). Kindle Edition.

My brother was hurt at school by a harsh teacher. He has not forgiven that teacher. Now I am having a hard time forgiving the teacher. Should I wait until my brother forgives before I start the forgiveness process?

It is perfectly legitimate to forgive someone who hurts a family member when you have been hurt by that action.  You need not wait until your brother forgives because you are free to offer forgiveness whenever you are ready.  Your forgiving the teacher may show your brother that it is possible.

For additional information, see Learning to Forgive Others.