Tagged: “Dr. Robert Enright”

I have taken your advice and have applied what you call the “strong will” to forgive someone who deeply hurt me.  I still feel stuck. Do you have a further recommendation for me?

Yes, I understand how hard it is to forgive at times, and so please accept my sympathy. I recommend that you try to forgive someone else first if you are having trouble forgiving a certain individual. Forgiving this new person first may be easier because the injustice may not have been as serious. With this kind of practice in the process of forgiveness, you then should consider forgiving the person toward whom you are “stuck” in trying to forgive. You might be able to forgive this one individual who is causing you so much difficulty if you practice forgiving at least one other person first.

For me, forgiveness, at least some of the time, is easy to begin, but it can be difficult to maintain. I kind of want to go on with my life and do other things. So, how can I keep going until the very end and forgive completely without giving up?

I discuss three kinds of will in my book, The Forgiving Life: the good will, the free will, and the strong will.  Having good will enables you to respond with kindness to people who have injured you and to see them for who they truly are. Saying “yes” to the forgiving process itself is made possible by your free will. Despite the difficulty, you can persevere because of your strong will.

Make an effort to recognize the strong will. Beyond forgiveness, cultivate it in other areas as well. For instance, stick to the challenge of an exercise regimen; finish the book you started; or finish a project you started at home some time ago. By making these efforts, you can fortify your strong will and go closer to the forgiveness finish line. Please remember that anger might reemerge even after you have crossed the finish line of forgiveness. As you go through the forgiveness process once more, use the strong will, the free will, and the good will, all of which will help you to forgive more deeply.

Thank you for helping me see that I can forgive my grandmother, who is no longer among the living.  Do you have a resource that you could share with me about forgiving someone who has passed away?

Yes, here is an essay I wrote about that on the Psychology Today website:

Can You Forgive a Person Who Has Died?, November 1, 2018

I began the process of extending forgiveness to my mother. As I traveled this path, I came to see that my grandmother, who died before I was born, mistreated her. Despite never having met her, should I also extend forgiveness to my grandmother?

You can forgive your grandmother, yes. Trudy Govier, a philosopher, refers to this as secondary forgiveness. Because of what she did to your mother, your grandmother was indirectly unfair to you, even though she was not outright unjust to you.

What if I think that forgiveness is not a good solution to injustice?  What then is the role of forgiveness in this context?

Since the moral virtue of justice is what is necessary to right a wrong, forgiveness is not a solution to injustice. In response to injustice, forgiveness entails facing its effects, which may include anger, strained relationships, and discord in the family or organization. If you decide to forgive, it is important to manage these negative consequences. Therefore, I believe you are asking the wrong question regarding forgiveness if you think it will solve the issue of injustice. Rather than asking how forgiveness will resolve this issue, the more accurate question is this: How can forgiveness help me (and us) overcome the negative effects of the injustice?