Tagged: “Dr. Robert Enright”

When Can Forgiveness Be Harmful to Emotional Healing?: Another Encounter with Artificial Intelligence

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Over the past couple of years, the process of forgiveness has been criticized, and I have labeled this criticism as unnecessary or error-filled.  For example, I published a blog on this site on August 21, 2024, entitled “The Summer of 2024 Now Has Seen Three Published Criticisms of Forgiveness” (https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/08/21/the-summer-of-2024-now-has-seen-three-published-criticisms-of-forgiveness/).

Those criticisms made me curious.  What will Artificial Intelligence say if I ask the question in this blog’s title?  So, I went ahead and asked.  Sure enough, I received an answer.  Here are the points made by Artificial Intelligence and my rebuttal.  Please see what you think as we examine four criticisms of forgiveness in the healing process.

1. When forgiving is forced onto someone, it can lead to a superficial forgiveness that short-circuits the emotional healing process.  I wholeheartedly agree with this statement.  I also wholeheartedly disagree that we are talking about genuine forgiveness here.  Instead, we are talking about a false form of it.  There is a vast difference between a free-will choice to forgive, with sufficient time to examine the emotional effects of being treated unjustly, and this rushed form of it.  In this court of law, my client, forgiveness, is being confused with an impostor.

2. Forgiveness is harmful when the person’s safety is not restored.  I agree that it is important to work on justice for the mistreated person, and this is the quest for justice.  To claim that forgiveness itself can be responsible for a lack of safety is to think in “either/or” terms: Either we forgive or we seek justice, but we do not pursue both.  As far back as Aristotle in ancient Greece, we are exhorted to practice the moral virtues, not in isolation, but together.  In other words, when we forgive, let us bring the call to justice along with it.  Forgiveness does not invalidate justice, but encourages it.  Therefore, this idea that forgiveness is harmful is false.  The error lies in treating forgiveness as an isolated process, which is incorrect.

3.  Forgiveness is seen as harmful when it ignores the forgiver’s values or what is important to the person.  In other words, the one who forgives supposedly distorts the seriousness of the injustice by simply letting it go.  No, this is not what forgiveness is.  When we forgive, we do not excuse the injustice.  What happened was wrong, is wrong, and will continue to be wrong.  The new stance is toward the person, not the situation, causing the pain from the injustice.  Thus, the forgiver’s values are not ignored.  Sometimes forgiveness can actually put forgivers’ values into even sharper focus by allowing them to see clearly and acknowledge what happened.  Further, forgiveness not only leaves forgivers with insights about the unfairness but also with a scientifically supported approach to healing from the effects of what happened.

4.  Finally, forgiveness is seen as harmful when others “weaponize” forgiveness, pressuring the injured person to be quiet, stop complaining, and let others live a comfortable life without hearing about the forgiver’s pain.  Once again, this is not the fault of forgiveness itself, but of onlookers who fail to respect the forgiver and the healing process that is necessary when forgiveness is willingly chosen.

In summary, if you ever ask AI if forgiveness can be harmful, you likely will get a “yes” answer, possibly with the four ideas above and maybe even some new ones.  Please keep in mind that AI can give false information.  In each case above, the false information concerned false forgiveness, not the genuine essence of what forgiveness is and what it accomplishes in the hearts and relationships of those who choose to forgive accurately.

I currently am taking a college class on forgiveness that lasts a semester.  Do you think I will be able to master the fine art of forgiveness by then?

It depends on how deeply others hurt you.  Deep hurts can take time and should not be rushed.  Within a semester, you should be able to make good progress in forgiving.  Please keep in mind that we are all imperfect forgivers, as the late Lewis Smedes said in his 1984 book Forgive and Forget.  Even if you still have some residual anger left over at the end of the semester, you can continue working on the process of forgiving once the semester ends.  Also, please keep in mind that having some residual anger left over does not mean you have not forgiven.  As long as the anger is not controlling you, you likely will have forgiven if you wish the other well, see this person’s humanity, and show mercy to the extent this person will let you interact.

Is it selfish for me to forgive for my own benefit?

Forgiveness itself is the free-will decision to be good to those who have been unfair.  This is exercising the moral virtues of mercy (giving more than what is deserved in justice) and, at its highest level, agape love (trying to do good to the other even when it is painful to do so).  Therefore, these qualities, offered to someone who hurt you, are anything but selfish.  We have to distinguish here what forgiveness is and some of the motivations for forgiving.  If you need emotional relief, it certainly is acceptable to begin the forgiveness process with this motivation.  At the same time, as you start to forgive genuinely, you are reaching out in mercy to that other person, which is for that person rather than for you.  So, to have a motivation of self-protection is not selfish.

If the person who behaved badly continues with the unacceptable behavior, is it appropriate to just shut down forgiving and try something else?

As you forgive, even from the start, you can ask for fairness.  If the other person persists in wrongdoing, persist (gently) in asking for fairness. It is important to continue forgiving because your anger at this point could be even higher than it was at the start.  So, your continued forgiving, at the very least, is a protection for your well-being.  The “something else” you mention is your quest for justice.

Forgiveness is such a beautiful response to moral injury.  In your experience, have you ever seen a person who has done wrong reject this offer of mercy?

Yes, in this imperfect world, some people reject the other’s forgiving and sometimes can get irritated by it.  In other words, the one who did wrong is not ready to face the reality that, indeed, wrong was done.  When this happens, I recommend that the forgiver recognize that the other person is not at the same point in the reconciliation process.  I counsel the forgiver to have patience.  The other might be open to this overture of mercy at some point in the future.  If not, the forgiver could consider forgiving the other person, even for this refusal to acknowledge the wrongdoing.