Tagged: “Dr. Robert Enright”
My therapist recently recommended forgiveness therapy for me. I am not quite sure what that is. Do you have a succinct explanation of this so that I can get a sense of whether or not this is right for me?
Yes, I have a recent essay on the Psychology Today website that gives the reader a sense of what forgiveness therapy is. You can access the essay here:
Why Forgiveness Therapy? Advice for Those Contemplating It, March 18, 2025
When a person forgives, is this an exercise in offering fairness to the one who behaved badly, or is it an act of mercy in which I give more than what is deserved?
You have a good sense of mercy when you say it is giving more than what is deserved. In contrast, justice is giving what is deserved. When you give forgiveness to someone who hurt your heart, on its highest level, you are offering agape love or goodness toward the other, even when it is painful to do so. This is going well beyond justice, or giving what is deserved in light of the unjust behavior. What is deserved in a justice sense is admonition, an attempt to correct the behavior, or perhaps imprisonment in the case of severe, law-breaking actions. Therefore, it follows that what you offer in forgiveness is mercy that goes well beyond justice. Please keep in mind that when you offer forgiveness, you also can strive for justice. For example, if a person is guilty of assault and is ordered to serve a sentence, you can forgive and support the person’s imprisonment.
My partner is strongly opposed to my forgiving my boss for continual actions of disrespect. He says that I should just get another job and move on. I wonder what you think about this.
Your partner is talking about stopping your professional relationship with the boss. This would be an act of not reconciling. Reconciliation and forgiveness are not the same thing. Forgiveness is a moral virtue in which you are free, when you so choose, to offer mercy to your boss in spite of the disrespectful behavior. Reconciliation, in contrast, is a negotiation strategy in which two or more people come together again in mutual—-mutual—-trust. You can forgive and not reconcile if the boss continues with the hurtful behavior. If you do not forgive, you might end up harboring resentment in your heart even if you leave your job and find a new one. Therefore, if you are ready, you could forgive your boss and first ask for changes in how the boss interacts with you. If the boss remains hurtful despite your best efforts, consider a new job, and also forgive the boss. If you explain this distinction between forgiving and reconciling, I expect that your partner will not be so opposed to your forgiving the boss.
I am finding it very hard to forgive myself for injustices against my partner. Do you have any suggestions for me?
People tend to find it harder to forgive themselves than to forgive other people. So, I recommend that you start by forgiving a few people who have not deeply hurt your heart, but you still have anger toward them. As you forgive these people, one at a time and without haste, you will learn that you eventually can see the built-in worth of each of these people, not because of what they did, but in spite of it. Once you have walked this pathway with others, then it likely will be time to apply what you learned to yourself. See that you, too, have inherent worth despite your moral failures. This will help you to forgive yourself. As an added component to self-forgiveness, which you do not apply when forgiving others, you should go to those whom you have hurt and seek forgiveness from them.
According to your forgiveness procedure, we should wait before forgiving someone. Is it ever acceptable to begin forgiving right away, when the injustice has just occurred and the hurt is still raw?
Most individuals need some time to cool down, feel the anger, and consider what happened before they are ready to forgive. However, this does not mean that forgiveness does not start right away for some people. It is acceptable to begin some of the forgiveness exercises immediately if you are ready and have some experience with the forgiveness process. This could entail, for instance, starting to recognize the intrinsic value in the person who caused you pain.
