Tagged: “Dr. Robert Enright”
Can you recommend a film for me in which a person forgives and yet others near this person are not happy with the decision?
Yes, there is a documentary film entitled Forgiving Dr. Mengele, in which Eva Mozes Kor forgives the Nazis for her being imprisoned in Auschwitz during World War III. Some of the twins who were imprisoned with her thought that her forgiving was not right. One person, for example, in the film refers to Eva’s forgiving as “improper.”
What are some steps to reconciliation?
I discuss the 3 R’s of remorse, repentance, and recompense. Remorse is inner sorrow for causing injustice. Repentance is the outward language and behavior to demonstrate that sorry, such as a sincere apology. Recompense is making up for the unfairness as best as one can. When a person who has been treated unfairly by another sees the 3 R’s in the one who behaved unjustly, this is good evidence that a willingness to reconcile is occurring.
Thank you for suggesting the film Forgiving Dr. Mengele. I have viewed it and it is very powerful. What is your opinion of how to handle such situations in which others look on unfavorably when a person forgives people for a horrendous injustice, as Eva did?
I tend to ask for patience as people exercise their own free will. In other words, if you see people who are forgiving someone for a certain injustice which is so serious that you would not forgive the person, try to let the forgivers make their own decisions. Similarly, if some people hesitate to forgive a person for a certain unfairness and you would forgive that person, try in this case to let the people make their own decision. Their hesitation is not necessarily the final word on the matter. Some may decide to forgive the person later.
What if I reconcile with my former partner and then, at times, I am triggered by current behavior that reminds me of the past? I am kind of worried about that. Might my anger well up again and hurt the current relationship?
It is not uncommon to be what psychologists call classically conditioned to respond now in certain ways based on what you experienced in the past. I think it is good to anticipate this and be ready to forgive again for what happened in the past. Not one of us is a perfect forgiver, so you likely will have some anger left over from the past. Knowing the pathway of forgiving now will help you to get back on that path when you are, as you say, “triggered” now by behaviors that remind you of the past.
May I ask a further question? Yes, I did my “very best” at the time of the break-up with my partner and so we split. This now is a year later and I am seeing evidence that this former partner of mine has changed for the better. We are both still available. Can I somehow change the break-up, and how would forgiveness fit into that? Should I ask my former partner to forgive me for the break-up?
I think seeing if you can both work your way back together is reasonable, given your description of this person’s current behaviors. I do not think that you should ask for forgiveness for the break-up because you did nothing wrong in initiating it. In other words, you did not behave unjustly. The other person is going to have to own the unjust behavior from the past and see that you were behaving in a fair way by separating. The other will need the moral virtue of humility to accept what this person did as wrong in the past. If this occurs, then yes, both of you may be able to move on from there to a genuinely respectful relationship.
