Tagged: “Dr. Robert Enright”
Have you found any cross-cultural differences in forgiveness that you can share with me?
We did find in one instance that some people in Asia would prefer to have an apology from the one who acted unjustly. This quest for an apology was stronger in Asia than in the United States. This seems to be based on an emphasis on social harmony and what is called “saving face.” In the United States, the apology is less emphasized if the forgiver can obtain internal emotional relief from the act of forgiving, whether or not an apology is given. In our experience, there is no difference in the understanding of what forgiveness is and is not. We have not found a difference in the degree to which people in Asia or the United States forgive following a forgiveness intervention, or in the outcomes of well-being.
Is it possible to forgive on behalf of someone else? Here is what I mean: My brother is estranged from our father. I would like to say to Dad, “On behalf of my brother, I want to offer you forgiveness.” Is this appropriate or not?
If your father has been unfair to you, then you can forgive him. If you have seen unjust behavior by your father toward your brother and this has upset you, you can forgive your father for the indirect pain he has caused you. You cannot forgive “on behalf of” your brother because that is his call, when he is ready. You certainly can talk with your brother about forgiveness, making sure he understands what it is and what it is not. See if he truly understands what forgiveness is, and then see if he is ready to forgive your father. Try to avoid pressuring him into forgiving. It is better if he is drawn to it and forgives from his own free will.
I am a Christian who has had a rocky time with my grandmother, who passed away recently. I think I have completed all of the processes of forgiveness and can honestly say that I have forgiven her. There is one thing I have not found in your books, and it is this: Can you help me understand how I might practice reconciliation with her now that she is no longer on this earth?
As a Christian, you believe in the afterlife. Therefore, God willing, you very well may meet your grandmother again in the afterlife. You can begin now by thinking through what you likely will say to her and how you will behave toward her. With a forgiving heart, the way you likely will relate to her will be positive and fulfilling for both of you.
Regarding the theoretical framework: Which school of psychology does this approach to forgiveness primarily align with?
We have based our understanding of forgiveness on Aristotle’s philosophy of classical realism. You can read about this work in a special issue of the APA Journal of Theoretical and Philosophical Psychology’s February 2025 issue.
Is forgiveness an innate capacity, or does it only emerge when we encounter deep hurt? Could you please elaborate on this: Does the meaning of forgiveness only begin to blossom once an individual possesses the hope and the will to forgive?
Forgiveness, as a moral virtue, does not appear to be innate, but instead requires practice. The more a person can practice, with a clear understanding of what forgiveness is and is not, the more likely the person is to forgive. Also, a person can forgive whether or not there is deep hurt. It may be more difficult or could take longer when there is deep hurt, but the continued practice should help. The meaning of forgiveness can emerge by studying what it is and is not. A hope that one will be able to forgive certainly should help, but knowing what it is constitutes a vital step so that the person does not distort its meaning.
