Tagged: “Education”
I am discouraged. As I look at societies in this early part of the 21st century, I see far too much mayhem, too much outrageous injustice. Offenders rarely self-accuse; they rarely have a well-formed conscience and so they just do not learn that what they have done is dark and completely unacceptable. Therefore, forgiveness is not just a choice, but an absolute necessity. It is not the forgiveness itself that discourages me. What discourages me is this: the mayhem will continue and so the incessant need to forgive will continue. What insights do you have for me?
I think your discouragement is in the strong likelihood that the mayhem, as you call it, will continue in societies. Yet, let us engage in a thought experiment. Let us suppose that there never was such a moral virtue as forgiveness. The only moral virtues in this alternative universe are the quest for justice and the courage to carry this out. What, then, would individuals and families and communities be like? Would it not be the case that the vengeance, the hatred, and wars would be continuous? Would it not be the case that such wars would grow more violent, even more unjust? Would humanity ever discover love?
Now, compare the world I just created in this thought experiment with our current world. Yes, the injustices continue. Yes, we can address many of these with justice, but at the same time, we can add love to our interactions, at least within our own communities, so that the enmity, the hatred, and the toxic anger within people can be lessened and not passed on to the children. Our world has the potential for love, even though it is not always realized in actuality. What a world it would be if there was not even the potential for love. Forgiveness on its highest level is to exercise love. So, I hope that you have more hope now because love is real and available to all who have the wisdom to choose it.
What advice do you have for parents when there are conflicts between siblings? What are the dangers to be avoided?
Sometimes, when parents want the children to forgive one another, the parent engages in a superficial ritual such as this:
“What do you say?” (directed toward the one who acted unjustly).
The parent waits for the words, “I am sorry.”
The parent then asks the one who was hurt by the other, “Now what do you say?”
The parent waits of the words, “I forgive you.”
Parents have to be careful that they do not equate forgiveness, in the children’s minds, with a language-ritual of “sorry” and “I forgive.” This is the case because forgiveness originates in the heart and the one who was treated badly might need a cooling-off period. It is best if the children are drawn both to forgiveness and to being forgiven rather than being forced into these.
Is there any research in which parents taught forgiveness education to their children?
Yes, here is the reference to a successful forgiveness education program in Northern Ireland in which parents taught forgiveness education to their children:
Magnuson, C. M., Enright, R. D., Fulmer, B., & Magnuson, K. A. (2009). Waging Peace in Belfast-IV Journal of Research in Education, 19, 57-65.
I am wondering if there is any scientific evidence showing that forgiveness education might increase academic achievement.
Yes, there is scientific evidence specifically concerning adolescents who are at-risk for academic failure. In the first study below, the students went from a D+ average to a C+ average. The second study was done in South Korea. Some of the participants were in a correctional institution.
Gambaro, M.E., Enright, R.D., Baskin, T.A., & Klatt, J. (2008). Can school-based forgiveness counseling improve conduct and academic achievement in academically at-risk adolescents? Journal of Research in Education, 18, 16-27.
Park, J.H., Enright, R.D., Essex, M.J., Zahn-Waxler, C., & Klatt, J.S. (2013). Forgiveness intervention for female South Korean adolescent aggressive victims. Journal of Applied Developmental Psychology, 20, 393-402.
The Good Old School Days
OK, everyone, it is time to reflect on those good old school days of yore, those care-free days when everyone thought we did not have a care in the world. Yet, sometimes we carry burdens from those days and we do so in the silence of our own hearts. When was the last time that you, as an adult, had a discussion about your days in elementary, middle, or high school? When was the last time you had such a discussion with an emphasis on the emotional wounds you received back then? I am guessing that such discussion-times have been quite rare.
I wonder how many of you reading this still have some unresolved issues from the good-old-days. It is in school, within the peer group, at recess, on the sports team that our current sense of self is shaped, at least to a degree. Sometimes we are influenced by those days to a greater extent than we realize.
So, it is time for a little quiz. Please think about your days in school and see if you can identify one person who was unjust to you, so unjust that when you think about the person now, it hurts. This person is a candidate for your forgiveness. I have an important question for you: How has this person inadvertently influenced your own view of yourself? How has this person’s actions made you feel less than who you really are? Do you see that it is time to change that?
My challenge to you today is to take steps to forgive the person for those behaviors long ago that have influenced you up to this very moment. It is time to take a better look at what happened, to forgive, and then to ask the question after you forgive: Who am I now as I admit to the injustice, admit to it negatively influencing how I have seen myself all these years, and who am I now as I stand in forgiveness?
Perhaps the good old days will seem a little brighter once you forgive. You will have lifted a silent burden.
Robert
