Tagged: “emotional forgiveness”
When my brother and I got into an argument as kids, my parents would frequently ask us to shake hands and “just forgive” one another. The phrase “I forgive you” seemed to be the final step before going on to something else. Because of this, I now consider forgiveness to be a somewhat flimsy solution to issues. What should I do as a father right now, in your opinion, to prevent my kids from developing a shallow concept of forgiveness?
You are right when you say that the lessons we teach our children about forgiveness may have an impact on them well into adulthood. I’m not saying that there won’t be further development in their understanding once they are in their adult years. Rather, what I mean is that beyond childhood, the impressions formed (whether correct or error-filled)—forgiveness is vital, forgiveness is not very important, forgiveness is about loving others, forgiving is like a fast handshake—remain.
This is crucial: Don’t minimize what forgiveness is. Simplify, yes, but avoid distortion. For instance, our teacher/parent handbook for forgiveness education for 6-year-olds in the first grade (in the United States) teaches these young children that forgiving:
1. takes place when there is unfairness;
2. entails recognizing the intrinsic value of everyone, even those who have harmed them;
3. incorporates the virtues of kindness, respect, and love (charity or caring about others for their own sake);
4. does not always involve making amends if the other person poses a threat;
5. does not imply that we disregard justice.
It may seem like quite a challenge to expect this of six-year-olds, and it is. Stories such as Horton Hears a Who by Dr. Seuss are used by the instructor or parent to teach first-grade (in the United States) students. All five of the aforementioned ideas are easily understood by the students, who can subsequently use them in the classroom and on the playground when peer conflicts occur. As the teacher reads each book (or a shorter summary) to the class, the instructional guides give them questions and answers.
In addition to the first-grade curriculum guide, we offer guides for grades pre-kindergarten (age 4) through grade 12 (again utilizing the Unitary States grade system) for students aged 17 and 18. These forgiveness education curriculum guides are available in the Shop section of this website.
At the start of our relationship, my girlfriend was quite abusive for a long period, emotionally, verbally, and once physically. I supported her through it and her difficult self-healing process. I was unaware that to stay with her, I had erected barriers of deep anger and self-preservation. I began to vent my anger on her, and I probably also emotionally abused her for several months. However, I’ve since come to terms with it and started going to counseling to deal with my resentment toward her. Although she has made the decision to end the relationship, I believe we can work things out. How can we both forgive one another and move on? I know our relationship can be repaired.
It is difficult for me to learn about your partner’s past without speaking with her. I have a suspicion that she was subjected to considerably unfair treatment in her past. She should consider first examining this and, if she is willing, extend forgiveness to those who were or continue to be unfair to her. Her trust appears to have been damaged, possibly as a result of previous injustices. If she can recognize and address previous abuses and then forgive those who offended, your relationship has a good chance of healing. When the time comes for you both to forgive one another, she will have discovered the way to do so. When it’s time for you two to work together, I suggest reading Chapter 13 of the book The Forgiving Life.
Is it possible to have too much forgiveness?
Like kindness, love, and justice, forgiveness is a moral virtue. Let’s rephrase the question: Is it ever possible to have too much justice? No, is the response. How can someone have too much fairness? Is it possible to be too brave? Once more, the response is no. By partaking in one of the vices linked to a certain virtue, we might skew courage—or any other virtue. Reckless bravado is one vice that is linked to courage. For instance, a person who is not able to swim might bravely jump into a wild sea to save a drowning puppy. This is reckless bravado, an unwise response, not courage. Therefore, just as we established with our example of justice that we cannot have too much of a true virtue, it would appear that we, too, cannot have too much forgiveness. Goodness in abundance is not a negative thing.
The vices connected to a certain virtue are what we need to avoid, as demonstrated by the courage example. Excessive submissiveness, where we allow others to take advantage of us, is one such vice associated with forgiveness. However, as we can see, the issue here is not forgiveness per se, but rather the way forgiveness is distorted.
My final question 10 out of 10: Different people have different views of what forgiveness is. Let them have the freedom to believe as they wish. How does that sound to you?
The Internet is a double-edged sword. It can enlighten and quickly, but at the same time, it can mislead. When I searched the Internet for the definition and some general issues on forgiveness, I was surprised by a rising consensus in up to 10 areas, each of which seems odd to me. May I ask you to consider each one of these “discoveries” so that you can help me to understand better? Thank you in advance for your time.
It sounds too relativistic to me. What if a person sees forgiveness as a form of punishing the offending person? Is this helpful to passively accept this without assisting the one who believes this to grow in a deeper understanding of what forgiveness is? If there is no objective definition of forgiveness, which can be expressed with nuances across different situations and cultures, then how could we ever do science on forgiveness? After all, it would be impossible to develop a standardized measure of forgiveness if everyone has a different view of what it is.
Question 9 of 10: Forgiveness might give the offending person an excuse to keep up with the unfairness. Therefore, forgiveness can be dangerous. What is your view on this one?
The Internet is a double-edged sword. It can enlighten and quickly, but at the same time, it can mislead. When I searched the Internet for the definition and some general issues on forgiveness, I was surprised by a rising consensus in up to 10 areas, each of which seems odd to me. May I ask you to consider each one of these “discoveries” so that you can help me to understand better? Thank you in advance for your time.
When people fail to make a distinction between forgiving and reconciling, this error is dangerous, not forgiveness itself. A person can forgive, by being good to the other even from a distance, but not reconcile. Here is one example: You might have a good word to say to others about the one who was unfair to you. Here is a second example: You could consider donating a little money to a charity that the other likes. These examples can be done as small acts of being good to the one who was not good to you without going back into a potentially harmful relationship.
