Tagged: “emotional forgiveness”
Can forgiveness alter the identity of the one who forgives? If so, how?
We address this issue in the book, The Forgiving Life. As people continue to practice forgiveness, they can, as Aristotle instructs, begin to develop a love for the virtue. When this occurs, the one who forgives may begin to see oneself as a forgiving person. This basically alters a person’s identity: “I am a forgiving person.”
You have said that self-forgiveness may take more time than forgiving others. Why do you say this?
In my experience, we tend to be harder on ourselves than we are on other people. As a result, it may take longer to forgive oneself. This is why I recommend that people new to self-forgiveness first practice forgiving another person or two to get familiar with the pathway of forgiveness before attempting to forgive themselves.
Isn’t forgiveness incomplete if there is no reconciliation?
No, actually, forgiveness can be complete even if there is no reconciliation. One of the primary goals of forgiveness, in its ideal sense, is to reconcile, thereby restoring trust and harmony in the relationship. Yet, as Louis Smedes says in his book Forgive and Forget, forgiveness is for imperfect people. As you forgive, the other may reject this merciful offer and continue with unjust actions. In this case, you can be free of any resentment even though the goal of a restored relationship (if there was a relationship before the injustice) does not occur.
Is forgiveness actually possible, in a deep sense, if the one who did wrong does not apologize?
Your questions have good timing. This month’s blog on this website addresses your question. As you will see, a person can forgive without an apology coming from the other person.
When might forgiveness become enabling? I am afraid to forgive because it may give the other person the wrong idea that I am ok with his behavior.
Forgiveness in its true sense never becomes enabling. A misunderstanding may occur if either the forgiver or the one forgiven (or both) perceives forgiveness as condoning injustice. Yet, when people forgive, they can and should bring justice into the equation. In other words, as you forgive, ask something of the other so that the unfair behavior changes.
