Tagged: “emotional forgiveness”
I currently am taking a college class on forgiveness that lasts a semester. Do you think I will be able to master the fine art of forgiveness by then?
It depends on how deeply others hurt you. Deep hurts can take time and should not be rushed. Within a semester, you should be able to make good progress in forgiving. Please keep in mind that we are all imperfect forgivers, as the late Lewis Smedes said in his 1984 book Forgive and Forget. Even if you still have some residual anger left over at the end of the semester, you can continue working on the process of forgiving once the semester ends. Also, please keep in mind that having some residual anger left over does not mean you have not forgiven. As long as the anger is not controlling you, you likely will have forgiven if you wish the other well, see this person’s humanity, and show mercy to the extent this person will let you interact.
Is it selfish for me to forgive for my own benefit?
Forgiveness itself is the free-will decision to be good to those who have been unfair. This is exercising the moral virtues of mercy (giving more than what is deserved in justice) and, at its highest level, agape love (trying to do good to the other even when it is painful to do so). Therefore, these qualities, offered to someone who hurt you, are anything but selfish. We have to distinguish here what forgiveness is and some of the motivations for forgiving. If you need emotional relief, it certainly is acceptable to begin the forgiveness process with this motivation. At the same time, as you start to forgive genuinely, you are reaching out in mercy to that other person, which is for that person rather than for you. So, to have a motivation of self-protection is not selfish.
If the person who behaved badly continues with the unacceptable behavior, is it appropriate to just shut down forgiving and try something else?
As you forgive, even from the start, you can ask for fairness. If the other person persists in wrongdoing, persist (gently) in asking for fairness. It is important to continue forgiving because your anger at this point could be even higher than it was at the start. So, your continued forgiving, at the very least, is a protection for your well-being. The “something else” you mention is your quest for justice.
Forgiveness is such a beautiful response to moral injury. In your experience, have you ever seen a person who has done wrong reject this offer of mercy?
Yes, in this imperfect world, some people reject the other’s forgiving and sometimes can get irritated by it. In other words, the one who did wrong is not ready to face the reality that, indeed, wrong was done. When this happens, I recommend that the forgiver recognize that the other person is not at the same point in the reconciliation process. I counsel the forgiver to have patience. The other might be open to this overture of mercy at some point in the future. If not, the forgiver could consider forgiving the other person, even for this refusal to acknowledge the wrongdoing.
Suppose there are five family members and they have a norm of angry outbursts among these members. Further, suppose that one and only one of these family members learns to forgive and starts applying it directly in the family. Do you think this one person could change the pattern of anger outbursts in the family?
Even one person could alter the norms of angry outbursts in a family, but it likely would take time, especially if the others resist. Yet, even one person who perseveres in forgiveness, discusses it temperately when appropriate, and shows restraint from the outbursts could change the norm. After all, norms occur when most people agree, even unconsciously, on ways of proceeding with one another. This one person’s changed pattern could alter the family pattern, especially when others see the gentleness in the one who forgives and begin to admire the results. So, if you are the one motivated to forgive in the face of the norm of outbursts, I definitely encourage you to do this, and over time.
