Tagged: “emotional forgiveness”
My husband and I do not have children yet, but he has expressed concern that I might overemphasize forgiveness to them and make them weaklings. What would you say to that?
Your husband is not seeing forgiveness deeply enough. Forgiveness is most certainly not a sign of weakness, but rather a sign of courage and strength. After all, the forgiver is offering mercy through a heart of pain. I think the children need to know about forgiveness so that when others’ injustices hurt them, they know how to forgive as a way of reducing unhealthy anger toward the one who acted badly. The forgiveness may make a legitimate reconciliation possible for them.
My husband continued to challenge me, saying that I am too soft on forgiving, and that I will likely stay in my job for a lifetime, even when my boss is mean to me, which he sometimes is.
Your partner is confusing forgiveness with reconciliation. You need to point out the difference between the two. Forgiving is a moral virtue in which you willingly decide to have mercy on the one who behaved unjustly. Reconciliation is not a moral virtue, but instead is a negotiation strategy between two or more people coming together in mutual trust. Therefore, you can forgive and find a new job if your boss continues to be unreasonable in your judgement.
Here is my second question about my partner’s and my disagreements on forgiveness. He somewhat angrily said this to me: “You are so enthusiastic about forgiveness that you would let dangerous prisoners out of jail.” How do I handle that accusation?
Your partner may not understand that one can forgive and seek justice at the same time.. As you forgive, you can ask for fairness from the one who behaved badly.
My partner, who is my husband, and I have been discussing forgiveness in our relationship. I was surprised to hear his views, actually. For example, he muttered under his breath, “She is too concerned about forgiveness. That’s all she mentions lately.” I have other questions for you, but I wanted to start with this one. How do you suggest I handle this?
It seems that your partner is not as enthusiastic about forgiveness as you are. In such a case, I tend to ask each person to be tolerant of the other’s acceptance or non-acceptance of forgiveness. In other words, let him choose forgiveness in the situations that are reasonable for him (even if you have a different view for yourself). In a similar way, it would be good if your partner lets you have the free will to choose forgiveness in the situations that are reasonable for you. This may take time for each of you to adjust to each other’s forgiveness patterns, but the main point is to give each other the freedom to choose forgiveness when each of you is ready.
Is there ever a time when the process of healing takes a different turn from forgiveness? Here is an example: Suppose I forgive my partner for a certain unfairness. Then she does the same injustice again, and I forgive again. She then does this a third time. Do I drop forgiveness and move in another direction, or do I forgive again?
I have found that as a person continues with an unfair set of actions, the forgiveness process becomes more challenging because the anger can build up even more. Yet, it is under such circumstances that forgiveness remains very important so that your anger does not get in the way of your well-being or the relationship. Under the circumstances you describe, I would urge you not to abandon forgiveness but instead to carefully add the quest for justice. Forgive and ask the person to please change the behavior that is upsetting you. It may take time for the other person to change the behavior, but if you see genuine effort, this may be an encouragement for you.
