Tagged: “Enright Forgiveness Process Model”
When I went to seek help from a therapist for my anxiety, he tended to focus on my current symptoms and what triggers the anxiety in the here and now. What do you think of this?
For some clients, the anxiety, in fact, is triggered by current situations that are causing stress. Yet, it is worth exploring whether or not there are injustices in your past that have made you angry and perhaps mistrustful. If this is the case, then your forgiving the people who were unfair to you may be an important step in reducing the anxiety. In other words, focusing on current symptoms and current reactions may not be sufficient to more deeply reduce the anxiety.
If people never behaved with toxic or unhealthy anger, would forgiveness even be necessary?
Research has demonstrated the psychological advantages of forgiving others, but this is not the only reason people do it. Like justice, love, and respect, forgiveness is a moral virtue, making it good in and of itself. Forgiveness can exist in your life and the lives of others as long as it is based on demonstrating virtue, whether or not there is psychological gain. To directly answer your issue, it is unlikely that the human condition in the future will consist merely in responding to injustices with mild, transient, and healthy anger. For this reason, the psychological need for forgiveness will remain.
Could you please describe to me what you mean by a “change of heart” toward someone who was cruel to me? It seems unlikely that my heart will grow softer toward him, who does not deserve this.
From the perspective of justice, the other person does not necessarily deserve your forgiveness. However, it is reasonable from the perspective of mercy to go beyond justice and treat this person kindly despite the unfair treatment you have received. Mercy transcends justice. Therefore, if you choose to be merciful toward this individual, your task is to work on seeing beyond the injustice to recognize a person who is more than the unfair behaviors. Expanding your view of him in this way can foster feelings of sympathy, empathy, and even compassion over time. This may seem unlikely to you right now, as you may not have begun your journey of forgiveness. However, if you pursue the merciful path of forgiveness, you may discover that your heart softens toward this person.
My sister was very unfair to me, and while I can sympathize with her, I find it difficult to put myself in her position and experience what it’s like to be her. Will I ever be able to have compassion toward her without my having empathy?
Not having empathy right now toward your sister does not imply you can’t do it in the future. Yes, empathy can open the door to compassion. Sympathy, or feeling sorry for her, also may be one of the doors to your eventual development of compassion. Yet, as you are seeing, empathy is the deeper, even a more challenging approach. Here are some questions that might help you develop empathy toward your sister: Was your sister hurt by others in her past? How deeply do you think was she hurt? Is she still carrying emotional wounds from this? Can you see your sister’s struggles in life? Your answers may lead to a greater empathy for her as you see her internal, emotional wounds from her point of view.
You talk about being committed to the forgiveness process in the book Forgiveness Is a Choice (2019). I now am wondering how I can stay committed to the process of forgiveness when there still is residual hurt, and I just want to move on and forget about it.
When people forgive, it does not always mean that all anger is eliminated. The anger can lessen and this is of vital importance especially if the anger initially was intense and enduring. As you forgive, even though some anger might remain, you then are in control of the anger rather than having the anger control you. So, please be encouraged if your anger is lessening. If you have a goal of continuing to be committed to the forgiveness process, then I recommend being aware of what I call your strong will, which I discuss in the book The Forgiving Life (2012). A strong will helps you to stay on the task even when it is painful to do so. Certainly, you need to take breaks from the forgiveness process, refresh, and then continue the journey. In other words, you need the virtue of temperance when on the challenging journey of forgiveness.
