Tagged: “Enright Forgiveness Process Model”
You talk about “bearing the pain” in your books for the general public. I am confused by that. How do you distinguish between a) bearing the pain and moving on with strength and b) bearing the pain so that you see yourself as weak and give into a learned-helplessness mindset?
When people bear the pain with strength, they are willingly deciding to bear the pain for the one who was unfair. It is one of the gifts given to the one who has been unjust so that the forgivers do not keep throwing the pain back to that person or to unsuspecting others. When people succumb to weakness and learned helplessness, they do not necessarily have such a noble purpose of doing this for the sake of others. Instead, when people fall into the learned helplessness mindset, they do not see the virtuous meaning of bearing the pain for others, including those who acted unfairly.
I told my pal Brian a secret, and he betrayed it. It took some time for us to reconcile. Unbelievably, he did it once again! Must I forgive him for this second one?
You say that one “must forgive.” Please do not feel grimly forced to forgive right away; this is your choice to forgive. You seem to be quite angry. Thus, it could take some time. Your friend knew how much the first betrayal hurt, so this second one seems even more challenging than the first. You will know when it is time to start the forgiveness process. Perhaps before you talk to Brian about this second injustice and how it has impacted you, you should begin the process of forgiving if you are ready to do so. I suggest this so you may be patient and polite when you approach him.
Susan, one of my friends, is not happy with one of her parents. I see why it would be beneficial for her to forgive the parent. She won’t listen, though. How would you advise me to proceed?
It’s not appropriate to put Susan under pressure to forgive. However, you don’t necessarily want to disregard your friend, who can benefit psychologically from thinking about forgiving the parent. You should be aware of Susan’s internal suffering, in my opinion. You may concentrate on that pain and ask her if she has any strategies for lessening or getting rid of it when she expresses it (as exhaustion, physical tension, or intense rage). If she is not considering any effective strategies, you could think about recommending forgiveness as a means of easing the suffering. I’ve discovered that suffering may be a powerful catalyst for healing and that forgiveness is one way to get well.
Could you give me an example of a situation in which forgiveness is improper or immoral?
Since forgiveness is a component of the moral good of this world, it is inherently moral and never immoral. It is a virtue to give someone who has wronged you unconditional love and kindness while guarding against more wrongdoing. However, some people might see forgiveness as inappropriate when they do not completely comprehend what forgiveness is. Using forgiveness as a means of controlling someone else is one example of such a misunderstanding. The “forgiver” may be someone who keeps reminding the other of the wrongdoing and emphasizing how difficult and admirable forgiveness is. This is a distorted form of forgiveness rather than forgiveness at all. Such misunderstanding does not make true forgiveness “improper or immoral.”
Could it be argued that seeking revenge is a sort of forgiveness if the person experiences a profound sense of inner relief? In other words, this person has a similar outcome as the person who genuinely forgives. They both find inner relief. I say that because feeling better occurs when seeking revenge or forgiving.
My answer to your question is no. Seeking vengeance and forgiving are two very different things. We need to keep in mind that, despite having comparable internal outcomes (of at least a temporary “feel good” scenario), revenge and forgiveness have quite distinct processes. One wants to hurt the other (revenge), and the other wants compassion and understanding toward the person who acted unjustly (forgiveness). Forgiving allows one to give love and possibly get it back. If this does not occur, if nothing else, the desire for revenge on the part of the person who was treated unjustly might have vanished. By concentrating solely on results, we cannot confuse forgiveness with retaliation. Finally, consider how fleeting the “feel good” feeling of vengeance may be. Merely providing a brief solace from resentment, revenge does not usually result in long-term emotional healing.
