Tagged: “Enright Forgiveness Process Model”

I recently consulted three different dictionaries on the definition of the word “forgive.” The themes were reducing resentment, ceasing to blame, and absolving a debt. Do you agree with these definitions of forgiveness?

No, actually, I do not.  Regarding “reducing resentment,” people can reduce resentment because they think the other person is not worth the effort or maybe is not quite human.  In other words, in condemning the other, the one who supposedly “forgives” feels better, but there is no sense of moral virtue in such responses.  Regarding “ceasing to blame,” when one forgives, one continues to know that what happened was wrong, is wrong, and always will be wrong.  What changes is one’s response toward the other person, which becomes more merciful and more compassionate. One can stop criticizing the other, but the idea that the other did wrong remains.  Regarding “absolving a debt,” when one absolves someone else from payment, this is more an issue of legal pardon than forgiveness and these are quite different.  One can absolve the other from payment and still loathe the other, which is not forgiveness because there is no sense of seeing the inherent worth in the other.  One can absolve a debt and be quite neutral to the other as a person.  In conclusion, all three dictionaries are handing out incorrect information about what forgiveness is.

I occasionally begin the process of forgiving someone but then decide I’m not ready to continue. Is this acceptable? If I tell the other person that I will attempt to forgive him, I almost feel compelled to continue. I dislike being coerced into doing something as intimate as forgiving someone.

I want to gently challenge your assumption. Just because you have decided to stop forgiving for the time being does not mean you are not actively involved in the forgiveness process. We occasionally take much-needed pauses as a result of that process.

Since forgiveness takes effort, please take a guilt-free break when you need it.

Consider it this way. Imagine that you have many days to do a cross-country bike journey. Have you stopped traveling once the first day is over and you’ve put your bike away and gone to bed? Naturally, the answer is that you haven’t stopped the actual bike ride. You’re just at a point in your journey where you need to take a break.

Consider forgiveness in this manner as well. The race to the finish line is not a sprint. Forgiveness, on the other hand, is a journey that requires time, during which we rest. Don’t give in to the pressure to be forgiving all the time. You probably will enjoy the voyage more if you give yourself permission to take a break, regroup, and then continue.

Forgiveness involves change, but I find change to be scary.  I don’t understand my own situation, that change is scary for me.  What insights can you provide for me as I walk the path of forgiveness……and find it somewhat fearful?

For some people, keeping the status quo is comforting because it is predictable.  Change, in contrast, is not necessarily predictable.  We are not sure what our own inner world will be like if and when we forgive.  We are not sure what our relationship will be like with the one who is forgiven.  Yet, if you cultivate hope along with forgiveness, you then are likely to conclude this: Yes, I will change as I forgive, and that change is likely to be positive.  You can even lean on the scientific findings of people who have been treated deeply unjustly and have forgiven.  The science shows that the people end up with better mental health than before they started to walk the pathway of forgiving.  Let the science give you confidence that you can have hope for yourself in a positive way when you forgive.  Forgiveness also gives those who hurt us a new chance for a better relationship.  The future quality of that relationship is not only up to you but also up to the other to change for the better.

How do I stay committed to the forgiveness journey when I still have anger?

Anger can endure for a long time even when we forgive.  Yet, as we engage in forgiveness, the anger can lessen.  As one person so wisely explained to me,” I still have some anger toward the one who hurt me.  Yet, now I am in control of my anger.  In the past, my anger controlled me.”  Try to see even small changes in your anger.  Even if it goes down only a little, this is a big victory.  This knowledge can be an encouragement to keep going with the forgiveness process.  Also, cultivate hope or confidence that you will be better off three months from now regarding your anger, which likely will continue to lessen as you practice forgiveness.

How does forgiveness differ from tolerance?

When we tolerate, we exercise patience so that we do not respond negatively to others who might be annoying us with insensitive behavior or disagreeing with us on an important topic.  While this is good because it prevents anger from spilling over to the other, it does not go as far as forgiveness, which on its highest level is to reach out in love toward those who have been unjust to us.  Patience and love are important, but love is far more challenging and probably far more life-giving for both people than patience alone.