Tagged: “Enright Forgiveness Process Model”

I have a problem.  I am out of an unhealthy relationship.  My ex-boyfriend now is in a new relationship with another woman.  He seems to want me to forgive him so he can be free of his own guilt because he broke his own moral standard.  In other words, he is not asking for forgiveness for my sake, for my well-being, but only for his.  So, do I even tell him that I have forgiven when I have gone down that path?

Forgiving is your choice when you are ready.  There are many reasons why you might forgive: a) to aid his recovery of his well-being; b) to aid your own recovery; and c) as an end in and of itself, among other reasons.  So, you can forgive, for example, because it is good in and of itself.  If you decide to forgive also as a way to aid his recovery, even when he is uninterested in your recovery, this would be a very deep sense of forgiving, doing so through pain for his sake.  This kind of goal can take time and so please be gentle with yourself as you discern the answer to your goal regarding why you are forgiving.  If you are not ready to forgive in particular for his sake, you can start by forgiving so that you are free of resentment and can move forward well in life.  The other reason might develop in you later.

How can we get parents interested in teaching their children about forgiveness?

Parents first need to understand that deep-seated resentment can build up in children’s hearts when they are treated unfairly.  They need a way of curing that resentment and forgiveness is one vital way to do that.  We need to get the word out to parents that forgiveness is a protection of the child’s heart that can be appropriated for the rest of that child’s life, even into adulthood when the storms of life can get more severe.

Has forgiveness education in schools been studied scientifically and found to be useful?

Yes, there is evidence.  I actually answered this in another question posed to me here on October 29, 2022.  Here is that answer:

Yes, there now are scientifically-based forgiveness programs, many of which focus on stories and story characters who experience conflict and learn to resolve those conflicts.  The research shows that children and adolescents, when given a sufficient amount of time (12 or more weeks) to think about forgiveness, actually forgive to a deeper level than before they had these programs.  Here is a reference to a journal article showing this to be the case: Rapp, H., Wang Xu, J., & Enright, R.D. (2022). A meta-analysis of forgiveness education interventions’ effects on forgiveness and anger in children and adolescents. Child Development.

I am trying to find your journal article in which you worked on forgiveness therapy with men in a correctional institution.  I cannot find that article.  Would you please provide that reference?

Yes, here is that reference:

Yu, L., Gambaro, M., Song, J., Teslik, M., Song, M., Komoski, M.C., Wollner, B., & Enright, R.D. (2021). Forgiveness therapy in a maximum-security correctional institution: A randomized clinical trial. Clinical Psychology and Psychotherapy. https://doi.org/10.1002/cpp.2583

The person I am forgiving thinks that upon my forgiveness, our relationship can proceed as if the injustices never happened.  How do I get him to realize this is not correct?

He has to see the difference between forgiving and reconciling.   He might see your forgiving as giving in to his unacceptable behavior, which forgiving is not.  This distinction between forgiving and reconciling may help him to see that he has work to do if the relationship will improve.