Tagged: “Enright Forgiveness Process Model”
I am finding it very hard to forgive myself for injustices against my partner. Do you have any suggestions for me?
People tend to find it harder to forgive themselves than to forgive other people. So, I recommend that you start by forgiving a few people who have not deeply hurt your heart, but you still have anger toward them. As you forgive these people, one at a time and without haste, you will learn that you eventually can see the built-in worth of each of these people, not because of what they did, but in spite of it. Once you have walked this pathway with others, then it likely will be time to apply what you learned to yourself. See that you, too, have inherent worth despite your moral failures. This will help you to forgive yourself. As an added component to self-forgiveness, which you do not apply when forgiving others, you should go to those whom you have hurt and seek forgiveness from them.
According to your forgiveness procedure, we should wait before forgiving someone. Is it ever acceptable to begin forgiving right away, when the injustice has just occurred and the hurt is still raw?
Most individuals need some time to cool down, feel the anger, and consider what happened before they are ready to forgive. However, this does not mean that forgiveness does not start right away for some people. It is acceptable to begin some of the forgiveness exercises immediately if you are ready and have some experience with the forgiveness process. This could entail, for instance, starting to recognize the intrinsic value in the person who caused you pain.
Someone asked me to forgive him when I still was quite angry. I did say, “I forgive you,” but I made a self-promise to try to forgive the other person. I now feel like a hypocrite since I spoke the words of forgiveness while harboring a great deal of resentment. Does this make me a hypocrite, then?
You made a commitment to yourself to carry on the forgiveness process in your own heart (and most likely in your interactions with the individual), so when you uttered the words of forgiveness, you most definitely had good intentions. To act contrary to your own convictions or even your own intentions is to be a hypocrite. Yet, you had good intentions when it comes to forgiveness. You were committing to forgiveness, and I think this is a heroic gesture. Even though you were not feeling particularly forgiving at the moment, you were deciding to forgive. This demonstrates that your words and your intentions are consistent. Consequently, you were not behaving hypocritically. If you need more work in forgiving this person, particularly with regard to your feelings, then you can always continue with the forgiveness process.
How can we strike a balance between taking care of ourselves and putting up with verbal abuse that keeps coming from someone who simply won’t stop?
When you choose to forgive, you don’t have to endure the ongoing abuse that is draining you. You might need to leave the conversation for a while. Please make an effort to keep in mind that reconciliation and forgiveness are two different things. Taking a break from the other person’s interactions is a smart self-care strategy if the abuse persists despite your best attempts to stop it and if it is wearing you down. When you extend forgiveness, you should also request justice from the people who have wronged you. We must distinguish between forgiving and reconciling, since some people will refuse to change their unjust actions.
Can people forgive in groups or would this inhibit their telling their story of injustice against them when others are watching and perhaps judging? In other words, would it be better to have one-on-one forgiveness counseling rather than group work?
We have done randomized experimental and control group studies in which one-on-one work was done and others in which group work was done. Group work can take several sessions before the participants bond with one another and are willing to open up about their pain and the injustices against them. Yet, this kind of openness does occur. The statistical results tend to show that one-on-one work leads to stronger results on average, but those in group work also substantially benefit. Here is one reference to a forgiveness group study with men in a maximum-security correctional institution that was very effective in reducing clinical (or near clinical) levels of anger, anxiety, and depression:
Yu, L., Gambaro, M., Song, J., Teslik, M., Song, M., Komoski, M.C., Wollner, B., & Enright, R.D. (2021). Forgiveness therapy in a maximum-security correctional institution: A randomized clinical trial. Clinical Psychology and Psychotherapy, 28, 1457-1471.https://doi.org/10.1002/cpp.2583
