Tagged: “family”

Forgiving Infidelity Is Not Easy

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In another recent post (December 17, 2024) on infidelity within a committed relationship, this time on chafai (https://chatfai.com/notes/she-forgave-him-18uvta), Hilary hahn (the last name is not capitalized in the post) goes back and forth on the theme of forgiveness.  In her case, the emotional wounds still are very fresh because, in her words, “It’s been a few days since that incident…..”  She courageously states that she is in stunned disbelief.  Forgiving him “feels like an insurmountable task.”  Near the end of the post, she is hoping that in the future she “will look back on this moment as a turning point, a moment where compassion triumphed over hatred, and love conquered all.”  This is a very noble statement, given the freshness of her emotional wounds.

Forgiving Infidelity in a Marriage

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In an August 12, 2024, post on MentalHealth.com, Dana Vince reports on a married couple, Toby and Shannon, who overcame a year-long affair that Toby had with an ex-girlfriend from college.  What helped was for each of them to see the weaknesses that each brought to that year.  For Toby, he opened up about a conflicted family while growing up and being bullied in the past by peers.  He brought a feeling of inadequacy into the marriage, and when Shannon began to work long hours, his feelings of inadequacy increased.  Shannon, in their time of forgiveness, seeking forgiveness, and reconciliation, began to give more attention to the marriage so that Toby felt more of a sense of commitment on her part and on his.  Their exploring weaknesses was not to find excuses for the affair but instead to better understand each other, aid each other in their weaknesses, and increase confidence in the marriage.  It worked and they developed a qualitatively better marriage than prior to the challenging year.

Questioning the Ubiquitous Statement, “Forgiveness Is What You Do for Yourself, Not for the Other”

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In perusing the internet lately for news on forgiveness, I was faced at least occasionally with the statement in the title above.  More than a few people post this idea that forgiveness is centered on the self and not no the one who behaved unjustly.

Let’s carefully examine this statement about forgiveness for the self and see how it goes.

If forgiveness is for ourselves and not for the one who behaved unjustly, then forgiveness is not one of the moral virtues along with justice, patience, compassion, and love if it is not “for other people.” So what is it? The “for ourselves” statement limits forgiveness to a self-help psychological strategy for emotional healing. It would seem that we are free to ignore, disregard, or show no concern for the people who have wronged us if they are not included in this healing equation. To forgive, then, could be to dismiss.

Such a perspective then takes away the paradox of forgiveness. The paradox is this: As we focus on the other person and strive for empathy, compassion, and a wider view of who this person is beyond the injustice, our own hearts begin to soften toward that other person.  As the heart softens, the resentment, which is a nagging and persistent deep anger, begins to lessen.  Over time, as we focus this goodness on the other it is we ourselves, as forgivers of the other, who begin to heal.  Do you see the very large distinction between focusing on the other with a sense of goodness, which is the essence of forgiveness, and one important consequence of forgiving?  The consequence, paradoxically, is that as we strive for goodness expressly toward the other person, it is we as forgivers who heal.

We must not confuse what forgiveness is with a consequence of what forgiveness accomplishes.  Forgiveness is what we do in goodness toward the offending person.  An important consequence of such a focus on the other is that we experience emotional healing.

Helping Abused Adolescents, Who Are in Corrections, to Forgive

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Drs. Wongeun Ji and Robert Enright this month had a research study published in the Journal of Family Trauma, Child Custody, and Child Development. The study highlights the importance of being aware of the traumas suffered by these young people prior to their crimes, arrest, conviction, and imprisonment. It also highlights the effectiveness of a forgiveness program in reversing the negative effects of such trauma.

This study examined the effectiveness of a forgiveness education program for incarcerated female adolescents in South Korea who suffered from attachment disorders, adverse childhood experiences (ACEs), and the psychological compromise of anger, anxiety, and depression. A total of 27 female offenders were randomly assigned to a forgiveness treatment or the standard programs offered at this particular institution. Both groups first were screened to be sure that each participant was high on the “adverse childhood experiences.” Each participant also was screened to be sure that she had significant psychological challenges, such as heightened anger and anxiety. In the end, there were 10 participants in the forgiveness experimental group and eight in the control group because some dropped out or did not want to fill out the post-test questionnaires. The forgiveness program lasted for four weeks, with the participants meeting as a group daily for five days each week, except for the final week in which three days were allotted for the program. They met for about 50 minutes for each forgiveness class, which focused on what forgiveness is and is not and the practice of kindness, respect, generosity, and love toward those who act unjustly. The instruction focused on story characters and people (through video reports) who have struggled to forgive. Group discussion followed the presentation of the stories or videos. Participants were encouraged to reflect on their family trauma, but to protect each person’s privacy, the participants were asked not to verbally share those family traumas within the group because this was an educational program, not a psychotherapy program.

When compared to the control group, the participants in the forgiveness treatment group demonstrated more decreases in anxiety and anger and increases in forgiveness and mother attachment. The study also discussed how staff members could serve as substitute attachment figures and promote better attachment outcomes. The results highlight the need for forgiveness programs in corrections because they allow the participants to heal from past traumas that may be contributing to the acting out of their frustrations onto other people.

It is unfortunate that too many correctional facilities do not yet see the strong utility of first giving forgiveness interventions to those imprisoned so that they can reduce anger and anxiety and, therefore, be more open to traditional rehabilitation approaches. After all, the control group had the usual corrections programs and they were not effective. The same kind of ineffective outcome with the usual corrections program occurred in the study with men in a maximum-security correctional context (Yu, L., Gambaro, M., Song, J., Teslik, M., Song, M., Komoski, M.C., Wollner, B., & Enright, R.D. [2021]. Forgiveness therapy in a maximum-security correctional institution: A randomized clinical trial. Clinical Psychology and Psychotherapy.) In other words, in two research studies to date, the hand-picked approaches by those in authority within the institutions created programs that, by themselves, do not work. In contrast, in each of these two studies, the forgiveness program was successful in enhancing psychological well-being.

The full article describing the above study in South Korea can be read here on the online version of the Journal of Family Trauma, Child Custody, and Child Development. 

The reference to that work in South Korea is:

Ji, W. & Enright, R.D. (2024). Forgiveness in juvenile corrections: An exploratory study on Korean female youth offenders. Journal of Family Trauma, Child Custody, and Child Development. https://doi.org/10.1080/26904586.2024.2436967

Forgiveness as Part of Pre-Marital Preparation

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On November 19, 2024, Dr. Enright posted an essay on the Psychology Today website with a focus on forgiveness being a part of pre-marital preparation.  Too often, this issue of learning about forgiving one another in the future, once married, is not given sufficient attention.  The essay suggests the following points:

• Examine the injustices suffered while growing up so that the residual anger does not come into the marriage;
• Forgive those from the past who have hurt you because of unjust treatment;
• Bring this learning about forgiving into the marriage, with the commitment to practice forgiving in the marriage;
• Be prepared to teach your children about forgiveness so that they can be prepared for unjust treatment toward them in the future.