Tagged: “family”

How to Help People in Ukraine Right Now

When Russian President Vladimir Putin met with French President Emmanuel Macron at the Kremlin earlier this month, Mr. Putin recited a crude Russian joke about Sleeping Beauty. Comparing the fairy tale princess to Ukraine, he said, “Whether you like it or not my beauty, you will need to put up with all I do to you.”

When he later was told about the malicious remark, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky responded to Mr. Putin by saying, “Ukraine is indeed a beauty but she’s not yours.” (Source: Time Magazine)

As the Russian invasion of Ukraine continues, people around the world are seeking ways to help those in Ukraine being impacted by the destruction and those fleeing the country to try to stay alive. An article in yesterday’s online Time Magazine provides some real possibilities.

The article is titled “Here’s What You Can Do to Help People in Ukraine Right Now.” It outlines simple steps anyone can take to help, provides links to several international aid organizations, and lists half a dozen Ukrainian and US nonprofits that are providing humanitarian aid to Ukraine.

Read more:

Forgiveness as a Missing Piece to Peace Between Ukraine and Russia, (Dr. Enright’s latest blog in Psychology Today)

Another list of Ukraine aid organizations (PBS radio station KQED, California)

Photographs of Ukraine Under Attack (Time Magazine)

The Ukraine Invasion – Explained (NPR)

Mapping and Tracking Russia’s Invasion of Ukraine (USA Today)

I have a 17-year-old son who is challenging me a lot.  I forgive.  He talks back.  I forgive again.  He is disrespectful again. I forgive again and again.  It is hard.  Help!

I say this to those who are in relationships in which one needs to maintain the relationship: Forgiveness under this circumstance becomes more difficult, but all the more necessary.  As you forgive, and your anger lessens, at that point try approaching your son and talk gently (as well as firmly) about his disrespectful behavior to you.  Also, and this is very important, try to uncover any anger your child may be carrying inside his heart that he needs to examine.  He may need to forgive people who have hurt him.  He may be displacing that anger onto you.  If you focus only on changing his behavior from disrespectful to respectful, you might miss his damaged heart in need of forgiving those who broke his heart.

I wanted to share an experience with you and get your insights.  I have been practicing forgiveness lately, particularly toward one of my parents when I was a child. This past weekend, I was at a family function and a cousin said that I did not belong there.  Usually, this would make me enraged, but this time, it did not deeply affect me.  Yes, I was angry, but I was able to stay.  Why do you think this unusual behavior by me occurred this weekend?

I think you are learning to forgive in a more generalized way than only applying forgiveness toward one of your parents for what happened when you were a child.  In other words, your practice of forgiving is generalizing to others, and this is a sign of maturing in the practice of forgiving.  Aristotle said that a mark of maturing in the moral virtues is to develop a love of those virtues.  Do you think this is happening to you, in that you are developing a love of forgiveness?  If so, then it is understandable that you may have been applying the moral virtue of forgiving toward your cousin who insulted you.  If that is the case, then you likely, in the future, will begin to forgive more and more people when they are unjust to you.

How can I be assured that, if I forgive, I will no longer experience negative emotions such as anger?

Forgiving others who acted unjustly does not automatically end negative feelings.  Our research shows that anger and other negative emotions can lessen, even in a strong way, but the negative emotions can resurface.  For example, you might have a dream about the person and you awaken with anger.  Yet, I have found that as people forgive, the anger reduces and becomes more manageable.  So, you should expect some relief from intensive anger, but because we are all imperfect people, some residual negative emotions may be present, at least at times.

How can parents help children to forgive their divorce when the parents say different things about why they divorced?

I think the key is for the parents first to realize that the children are now vulnerable because of the divorce and because of what led to the divorce.  With that in mind, the parents need to be careful in not letting their own anger at their former spouse lead to a competition for the children’s affection.  In other words, each spouse needs to be careful not to paint a very negative picture of the other to the children.  After all, both still are parents to the children and so the divorced adults need to preserve the personhood of the other spouse to the children.  This is not easy especially when deep resentment is present.  Therefore, it may be best if the spouses first forgive each other and then be aware that the children should not become victims of resentment by the parents disparaging the other spouse to the children.  When ready, the custodial parent might consider helping the children to forgive by first apologizing to the children for this family challenge of divorce.