Tagged: “forgive”
I just saw on an Internet website the idea that one can “forgive God.” As a Christian believer, can I forgive God?
Absolutely not. Your theology will be very distorted if you think that you can “forgive God.” After all, forgiving takes place when the other acted very unjustly. Christians know God as all perfect, sinless, and holy. Acting unjustly, therefore, does not happen here. If you are disappointed with people’s injustices in the world, focus on the truth that it is those persons, not God, who decided to act unjustly. As Christians know, God has given each person free will so that they are not robots. They are free to love, and at the same time, they are free to disobey God and act unjustly. Be careful not to fall into the considerable error that when people disappoint you, it is God’s fault. It is not.
If people are in denial about the depth of their anger, will they need help (feedback) from others to overcome it?
Feedback might help to overcome the denial, but this will depend on how the feedback is given. For example, if the feedback is presented in an accusatory way, the person in denial might continue to deny the depth of the anger, concluding that the person giving the feedback is harsh and temperamental. If the feedback is gentle and loving, this still may take time for the one in denial to bring the level of anger to consciousness. In other words, patience and gentle persistence may be effective in the long run. Another approach might be this: Instead of focusing first on the anger, a person giving feedback might shift the focus to the denying person’s inner world and whether or not the person is feeling disrupted, anxious, or unhappy. If the one who is denying can see one’s own inner pain (rather than the anger), this might motivate this person to answer the question, “What might be a primary cause of your inner disruption or unhappiness?” The cause could be unjust treatment by others that was never resolved internally by the one who was angry. Seeing the connection between past injustices and current unhappiness could open the door to the realization that the injustices have caused unhealthy anger that now is responsible for the internal disruption, anxiety, and unhappiness. Once that anger is uncovered (no longer denied), the person might be open to trying forgiveness as a way of dealing constructively with the injustice, the anger, and the resulting unhappiness.
When treated unfairly by others, is it reasonable to expect the one who was unfair to do something about that behavior?
There are differences among expecting the other to change, insisting on such change, and hoping for the change. If you hope the other changes, without expecting or demanding it, then you are free to forgive and to unburden yourself from resentment, even if the other person remains unrepentant. When you expect change, even though you do not demand it, you tend to wait over time for a change from the other that never comes. Through this expectation, you might not get closure regarding what happened. In other words, you might hesitate to forgive and to be unburdened until the other does something to right the wrong. If you insist on the other’s change, this is more confrontational than waiting with expectation. If you insist, then you might be trapping yourself in unforgiveness until those demands are met, which may not come. Hoping for change is leaving yourself open to a possible reconciliation with the other, but you still can go forward with unconditional forgiveness even if the other refuses to change.
Is there a distinction between healthy and unhealthy anger when a person is treated unjustly?
Yes, there is a difference. Unhealthy anger tends to be long-term, lasting many months or even years. Over time, this kind of anger can intensify, with the addition of anxiety and depression alongside the anger. In contrast, healthy anger is a short-term response to injustice. It basically is a signal to those who experienced unfairness that they should not be treated this way. It is a sign that they know right from wrong and are reacting to that wrong in the context of its recent occurrence. Healthy anger may need work, such as forgiveness, to reduce it so that it does not turn into unhealthy anger.
I really want to forgive a family member, but I don’t want to go ahead without hearing those three little words, “I am sorry.” I have read your posts about how forgiving is unconditional, and so I can go ahead whenever I am ready. Yet, isn’t it the case that if I wait for this person to apologize, I’m actually helping him see the error of his ways, repent, and change?
Yes, if you wait on forgiving, this can get the other person’s attention to see the injustice, change, and apologize. Yet, is this the only way to help the person? In other words, if you forgive, you then can approach the person with gentleness, point out the unfair behavior, and share how that behavior hurt you emotionally. Do you think that, too, might help him to feel sorry and repent?
