Tagged: “forgive”

I am a school psychologist who works with students who bully.  What advice would you have for professionals such as myself who work in this kind of context?

I have this advice: School counselors, psychologists, and social workers, please take note: When you have in front of you a student who is entrenched in rebellion, in verbal aggression, in indifference to school itself, please presume that this person of inherent worth has a wounded heart. Consider taking the time to help this student learn how to forgive, and deeply. Your “yes” to mending the wounded hearts of students in your school by helping them to forgive could, quite literally, save lives.

I just do not have the confidence to forgive one of my parents from issues of long ago. I keep telling myself that I will not be able to get it done. What can you suggest to me that might boost my confidence?

First, I suggest that you look back on your life to concrete examples of your forgiving others. Have you had at least one successful forgiveness attempt in your past? If so, you have shown yourself that you can forgive.

Even if you have never forgiven someone, you can start now with someone who is easier to forgive than your parent. Try to recall someone who has hurt you in the past, but who has not hurt you severely. Start the forgiveness process with this person and keep at it until you have forgiven. Once you succeed with this person, then try another, again who has not hurt you gravely.

Once you have successfully practiced forgiveness on these two people, keep in mind the path that you walked and now apply it to your parent. The practice may give you the confidence you need.

I thought I had completely forgiven my “ex” and last night I had a dream that reawakened all of my anger. I had forgiven, maybe, a year ago. Now here I am again fuming. Do you have a suggestion for me to really get over this and forgive permanently?

We have to realize that forgiveness, as Lewis Smedes said, is an imperfect enterprise for imperfect people. It is common to have forgiven and then to be triggered by something unexpected, whether it is a dream or unexpectedly meeting the person, as examples. Because you already know the path of forgiveness, I recommend that you get your backpack on again, and your hiking shoes, and travel the forgiveness road once again. This time it may be quicker with deeper results. And please do not be discouraged if and when you have another trigger for your anger in the months or years ahead. Go on the forgiveness journey once again.

What is the difference between being open to one’s anger and venting that anger?

When we are open to the depth of our anger, we are not acting out the anger.  We are looking at it as honestly as possible so we can make the informed decision regarding how to reduce it.  When we vent, we are acting on the emotion of anger, which can include intense language and behavior.

What is the general effect of, as you say, “diminishing of the resentment in the client’s heart”?

Our research shows that as the resentment lessens, as shown in our forgiveness scale (assessing the degree to which a person reduces negative thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, all of which point to different dimensions of resentment, and increases positive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors toward the one who behaved unjustly), there is a concomitant decrease in anxiety and psychological depression and an increase in self-esteem.  In other words, the reduced resentment and the increase in the positive issues toward the other person seem to lead to improved mental health more generally.