Tagged: “forgive”
My husband and I do not have children yet, but he has expressed concern that I might overemphasize forgiveness to them and make them weaklings. What would you say to that?
Your husband is not seeing forgiveness deeply enough. Forgiveness is most certainly not a sign of weakness, but rather a sign of courage and strength. After all, the forgiver is offering mercy through a heart of pain. I think the children need to know about forgiveness so that when others’ injustices hurt them, they know how to forgive as a way of reducing unhealthy anger toward the one who acted badly. The forgiveness may make a legitimate reconciliation possible for them.
My husband continued to challenge me, saying that I am too soft on forgiving, and that I will likely stay in my job for a lifetime, even when my boss is mean to me, which he sometimes is.
Your partner is confusing forgiveness with reconciliation. You need to point out the difference between the two. Forgiving is a moral virtue in which you willingly decide to have mercy on the one who behaved unjustly. Reconciliation is not a moral virtue, but instead is a negotiation strategy between two or more people coming together in mutual trust. Therefore, you can forgive and find a new job if your boss continues to be unreasonable in your judgement.
Which Protects You Better: Anger or Forgiveness?
On May 14, 2025, an essay was published on the Psychology Today website (Which Protects You Better: Anger or Forgiveness?) contrasting anger as a response to injustice and forgiveness as a very different response. The contrast was discussed because research shows that short-term anger can be beneficial.
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As stated on the website:
“In a recent journal article, Lench et al. (2024) showed in a series of studies that anger ‘has benefits for attaining goals.’ For example, when given very difficult puzzles to solve, it was those who became angry at not progressing who successfully and accurately completed the puzzle. In another example, when presented with video games that had challenges within the game, those who became angry ended with higher scores than those who did not get angry. As a final example, among others in the journal article, those who got angry were more likely to protect their finances when outside sources threatened their money.
What is interesting to note in each of these examples is that the problems were very short-term. Puzzle challenges do not last for years, but instead for minutes or perhaps hours. It is the same with video games, and once the finances are protected in the short run, the challenge and therefore the anger can lessen.”
In contrast, the positive effects of forgiving those who acted unfairly have been well documented in the psychological scientific literature. See, for example, Akhtar and Barlow (2018) and Enright and Fitzgibbons (2024). In response to the title’s question, the essay then makes this statement:
“The question is based on a misunderstanding of the process of forgiveness.”
It is followed up with this answer:
“Over 30 years ago, a process model of forgiveness was introduced into the published literature (Enright & the Human Development Study Group, 1991). One of the first parts of the forgiveness process is to be angry (or sad or frustrated) because this reaction to unjust treatment from others seems to be a natural part of forgiving for many people. In other words, when people forgive, there is time set aside for anger or related emotions as a result of being treated unjustly. Only after people have had the chance to explore their reaction to the injustice do they then move forward with a decision (or not) to forgive, and to offer mercy to those who have not been good to the forgiver.”
The Psychology Today essay ends this way:
“Therefore, in response to the question of which is better, short-term anger or forgiving, the answer is both. They work together, first by acknowledging and feeling the anger, and then deciding to forgive and struggling to offer goodness to the other person.
An important insight about anger and forgiveness is that forgiveness helps mitigate or alleviate short-term anger, preventing it from developing into long-term irritability that can psychologically and physically damage the individual who was treated unjustly.”
References
Akhtar, S. & Barlow, J. (2018). Forgiveness therapy for the promotion of mental well-being: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Trauma, Violence, and Abuse, 19, 107-122.
Enright, R.D. & Fitzgibbons, R. (2024). Forgiveness therapy. APA Books.
Enright, R. D., and the Human Development Study Group. (1991). The moral development of forgiveness. In W. Kurtines & J. Gewirtz (Eds.), Handbook of moral behavior and development, (Vol. 1, pp. 123-152). Erlbaum.
Lench, H. C., Reed, N. T., George, T., Kaiser, K. A., & North, S. G. (2024). Anger has benefits for attaining goals. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 126, 587–602.
Here is my second question about my partner’s and my disagreements on forgiveness. He somewhat angrily said this to me: “You are so enthusiastic about forgiveness that you would let dangerous prisoners out of jail.” How do I handle that accusation?
Your partner may not understand that one can forgive and seek justice at the same time.. As you forgive, you can ask for fairness from the one who behaved badly.
My partner, who is my husband, and I have been discussing forgiveness in our relationship. I was surprised to hear his views, actually. For example, he muttered under his breath, “She is too concerned about forgiveness. That’s all she mentions lately.” I have other questions for you, but I wanted to start with this one. How do you suggest I handle this?
It seems that your partner is not as enthusiastic about forgiveness as you are. In such a case, I tend to ask each person to be tolerant of the other’s acceptance or non-acceptance of forgiveness. In other words, let him choose forgiveness in the situations that are reasonable for him (even if you have a different view for yourself). In a similar way, it would be good if your partner lets you have the free will to choose forgiveness in the situations that are reasonable for you. This may take time for each of you to adjust to each other’s forgiveness patterns, but the main point is to give each other the freedom to choose forgiveness when each of you is ready.
