Tagged: “forgive”
Which Protects You Better: Anger or Forgiveness?
On May 14, 2025, an essay was published on the Psychology Today website (Which Protects You Better: Anger or Forgiveness?) contrasting anger as a response to injustice and forgiveness as a very different response. The contrast was discussed because research shows that short-term anger can be beneficial.
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As stated on the website:
“In a recent journal article, Lench et al. (2024) showed in a series of studies that anger ‘has benefits for attaining goals.’ For example, when given very difficult puzzles to solve, it was those who became angry at not progressing who successfully and accurately completed the puzzle. In another example, when presented with video games that had challenges within the game, those who became angry ended with higher scores than those who did not get angry. As a final example, among others in the journal article, those who got angry were more likely to protect their finances when outside sources threatened their money.
What is interesting to note in each of these examples is that the problems were very short-term. Puzzle challenges do not last for years, but instead for minutes or perhaps hours. It is the same with video games, and once the finances are protected in the short run, the challenge and therefore the anger can lessen.”
In contrast, the positive effects of forgiving those who acted unfairly have been well documented in the psychological scientific literature. See, for example, Akhtar and Barlow (2018) and Enright and Fitzgibbons (2024). In response to the title’s question, the essay then makes this statement:
“The question is based on a misunderstanding of the process of forgiveness.”
It is followed up with this answer:
“Over 30 years ago, a process model of forgiveness was introduced into the published literature (Enright & the Human Development Study Group, 1991). One of the first parts of the forgiveness process is to be angry (or sad or frustrated) because this reaction to unjust treatment from others seems to be a natural part of forgiving for many people. In other words, when people forgive, there is time set aside for anger or related emotions as a result of being treated unjustly. Only after people have had the chance to explore their reaction to the injustice do they then move forward with a decision (or not) to forgive, and to offer mercy to those who have not been good to the forgiver.”
The Psychology Today essay ends this way:
“Therefore, in response to the question of which is better, short-term anger or forgiving, the answer is both. They work together, first by acknowledging and feeling the anger, and then deciding to forgive and struggling to offer goodness to the other person.
An important insight about anger and forgiveness is that forgiveness helps mitigate or alleviate short-term anger, preventing it from developing into long-term irritability that can psychologically and physically damage the individual who was treated unjustly.”
References
Akhtar, S. & Barlow, J. (2018). Forgiveness therapy for the promotion of mental well-being: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Trauma, Violence, and Abuse, 19, 107-122.
Enright, R.D. & Fitzgibbons, R. (2024). Forgiveness therapy. APA Books.
Enright, R. D., and the Human Development Study Group. (1991). The moral development of forgiveness. In W. Kurtines & J. Gewirtz (Eds.), Handbook of moral behavior and development, (Vol. 1, pp. 123-152). Erlbaum.
Lench, H. C., Reed, N. T., George, T., Kaiser, K. A., & North, S. G. (2024). Anger has benefits for attaining goals. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 126, 587–602.
Here is my second question about my partner’s and my disagreements on forgiveness. He somewhat angrily said this to me: “You are so enthusiastic about forgiveness that you would let dangerous prisoners out of jail.” How do I handle that accusation?
Your partner may not understand that one can forgive and seek justice at the same time.. As you forgive, you can ask for fairness from the one who behaved badly.
My partner, who is my husband, and I have been discussing forgiveness in our relationship. I was surprised to hear his views, actually. For example, he muttered under his breath, “She is too concerned about forgiveness. That’s all she mentions lately.” I have other questions for you, but I wanted to start with this one. How do you suggest I handle this?
It seems that your partner is not as enthusiastic about forgiveness as you are. In such a case, I tend to ask each person to be tolerant of the other’s acceptance or non-acceptance of forgiveness. In other words, let him choose forgiveness in the situations that are reasonable for him (even if you have a different view for yourself). In a similar way, it would be good if your partner lets you have the free will to choose forgiveness in the situations that are reasonable for you. This may take time for each of you to adjust to each other’s forgiveness patterns, but the main point is to give each other the freedom to choose forgiveness when each of you is ready.
Is there ever a time when the process of healing takes a different turn from forgiveness? Here is an example: Suppose I forgive my partner for a certain unfairness. Then she does the same injustice again, and I forgive again. She then does this a third time. Do I drop forgiveness and move in another direction, or do I forgive again?
I have found that as a person continues with an unfair set of actions, the forgiveness process becomes more challenging because the anger can build up even more. Yet, it is under such circumstances that forgiveness remains very important so that your anger does not get in the way of your well-being or the relationship. Under the circumstances you describe, I would urge you not to abandon forgiveness but instead to carefully add the quest for justice. Forgive and ask the person to please change the behavior that is upsetting you. It may take time for the other person to change the behavior, but if you see genuine effort, this may be an encouragement for you.
How can people be sure that they are done with their anger after forgiving and seeking forgiveness from a partner? Might residual anger spill over to new interactions in the relationship?
Sometimes all of one’s anger does not extinguish upon first forgiving. Yet, even if some anger is left over, as long as much of it has diminished so that the anger is not in control within the relationship, the partners can move forward well. A key is to be aware of the residual anger and to practice forgiving again for the past injustice(s). In this way, civil, respectful, and loving interactions can occur because the leftover anger is small and does not usually dominate the relationship.
