Tagged: “forgive”
Here is my second question about my partner’s and my disagreements on forgiveness. He somewhat angrily said this to me: “You are so enthusiastic about forgiveness that you would let dangerous prisoners out of jail.” How do I handle that accusation?
Your partner may not understand that one can forgive and seek justice at the same time.. As you forgive, you can ask for fairness from the one who behaved badly.
My partner, who is my husband, and I have been discussing forgiveness in our relationship. I was surprised to hear his views, actually. For example, he muttered under his breath, “She is too concerned about forgiveness. That’s all she mentions lately.” I have other questions for you, but I wanted to start with this one. How do you suggest I handle this?
It seems that your partner is not as enthusiastic about forgiveness as you are. In such a case, I tend to ask each person to be tolerant of the other’s acceptance or non-acceptance of forgiveness. In other words, let him choose forgiveness in the situations that are reasonable for him (even if you have a different view for yourself). In a similar way, it would be good if your partner lets you have the free will to choose forgiveness in the situations that are reasonable for you. This may take time for each of you to adjust to each other’s forgiveness patterns, but the main point is to give each other the freedom to choose forgiveness when each of you is ready.
Is there ever a time when the process of healing takes a different turn from forgiveness? Here is an example: Suppose I forgive my partner for a certain unfairness. Then she does the same injustice again, and I forgive again. She then does this a third time. Do I drop forgiveness and move in another direction, or do I forgive again?
I have found that as a person continues with an unfair set of actions, the forgiveness process becomes more challenging because the anger can build up even more. Yet, it is under such circumstances that forgiveness remains very important so that your anger does not get in the way of your well-being or the relationship. Under the circumstances you describe, I would urge you not to abandon forgiveness but instead to carefully add the quest for justice. Forgive and ask the person to please change the behavior that is upsetting you. It may take time for the other person to change the behavior, but if you see genuine effort, this may be an encouragement for you.
How can people be sure that they are done with their anger after forgiving and seeking forgiveness from a partner? Might residual anger spill over to new interactions in the relationship?
Sometimes all of one’s anger does not extinguish upon first forgiving. Yet, even if some anger is left over, as long as much of it has diminished so that the anger is not in control within the relationship, the partners can move forward well. A key is to be aware of the residual anger and to practice forgiving again for the past injustice(s). In this way, civil, respectful, and loving interactions can occur because the leftover anger is small and does not usually dominate the relationship.
Is it possible for healthy anger to turn into unhealthy rage over time?
This is feasible, yes. It is normal to feel angry when someone treats you unfairly because it is a means to let the other person know that you are a valuable person who shouldn’t be treated that way. You will need an outlet for the anger if you keep thinking about what happened, and your anger begins to become more intense and widespread. At this point, you might consider forgiving the other person. If you choose not to forgive, then that anger can grow so strong that it eventually transforms into an unhealthy form over several months, which may result in anxiety, depression, disturbed sleep, and even hatred toward the other person, if you have no way to release it and keep thinking about what happened. A crucial remedy for all of this is forgiveness. In other words, it is never too late to forgive.
