Tagged: “forgive”
It is hard for me to forgive when I think about the issue of a lack of gratitude from the one receiving my forgiveness. In other words, why bother if the other is indifferent to my forgiveness efforts?
A person who seems indifferent toward your forgiveness efforts may have a change of heart about this in the future. Even if the person never changes from indifference, please keep in mind that when you forgive, regardless of the other’s reaction, you get the benefit of emotional healing, of reduced resentment from the unjust treatment. Therefore, at the very least, you can experience an increase in well-being, and so forgiving is a positive response to unjust treatment.
I’m feeling ambivalent about forgiving a college classmate for something she did to me. I would like to know how much heartfelt commitment it takes for me to truly start to forgive.
As you can see, your level of forgiveness commitment can range from quite low to very high. This may also change over time. Here is a key issue for you: Are you prepared to make a commitment, even a small one, to do no harm to the person who wronged you? Do you have a clear understanding of what forgiveness is and is not—for example, that it does not instantly reconcile or excuse? You are prepared to proceed with the forgiveness process if you are motivated to do no harm and you know what forgiveness is.
I am wondering if introducing a client in psychotherapy to the full definition of forgiveness may be counter-productive. Here is what I mean: If the mental health professional defines forgiving as reducing resentment (including thoughts, feelings, and behaviors) and then includes the giving of positive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors to the offender, including agape love), might this be a big turn-off for a client? In other words, the client’s hearing about being compassionate to the offender, being kind, caring, and loving may seem to be way too much.
You raise a good point. Mental health professionals can avoid the “big turn-off” by clarifying that forgiveness is a process that takes time, and we do not reach the end goal right away. Further, the client needs to hear that we are all imperfect forgivers, as the ancient Greek philosopher reminded us and as Lewis Smedes further reminded us in his book, Forgive and Forget. In other words, not everyone reaches a deep level of forgiving in that the client feels and gives agape love (love for the other’s good) to the one who offended. Yet, at the same time, it is good to present a clear and accurate understanding of forgiveness to clients so that they know the true endpoint of forgiveness in its fullness. Sometimes a client can only offer a cessation of resentment toward the other person. As imperfect forgivers, this may be all that the client can offer today. This does not mean that this is the end of the forgiveness process for this client. As Aristotle reminded us, as we continue to practice any moral virtue, we become more proficient at it. In other words, maybe months down the road, a little compassion toward the other person may begin to grow in the heart of the client.
I have heard the claim that a person can “forgive too much.” I guess the criticism is that too much forgiving sets up the expectation by the other person that he can just keep being unfair and the forgiver will continue to be tolerant. What do you think about this criticism of forgiveness?
Is it possible to treat people too fairly? Is there a circumstance in which the administration of justice may be excessive? I don’t believe so because moral virtues are all excellent, and practicing them is likewise good. I think this idea of “forgiving too much” actually is based on a false notion of what forgiveness is. I think the criticism centers on the assumption that a lot of forgiving equates to both a hasty reconciliation and the abandonment of justice. An unhealthy and hurried reconciliation may result if someone distorts forgiveness by isolating it such that no justice is associated with forgiveness. Therefore, if forgiveness is sincere and includes the quest for justice, then there is no such thing as “forgiving too much.”
If my reason for beginning the process of forgiveness is to feel better, without even a thought toward the one who hurt me, is this being selfish? Will this kind of initial attitude in the forgiveness process hinder my progress in forgiving?
Let us distinguish what forgiveness is and one’s motivation to forgive. What it is and why people forgive can be different, especially at the beginning of the forgiveness journey. In my experience, emotional pain is a strong motivator to forgive. This is self-interest rather than selfishness. As an analogy, if you suffer a knee injury while running, is it selfish to seek medical help? There is self-interest to heal the knee, but this is not selfish. It is the same with forgiveness. When deeply hurt by another person, the forgiver can be motivated to begin the forgiveness journey to feel better. Yet, in the forgiving process, the forgiver slowly begins to focus on the one who behaved badly and tries to be good to that person, even to a small degree. In other words, forgiving accurately is not a focus on the self but on the other person for the other person’s good. This certainly is not selfish.
