Tagged: “forgive”

You recently answered my question about the abiding of unhealthy anger which can last for the rest of a person’s life.  Do you think this kind of anger can turn on the person, hurting him physically and psychologically?

Yes, there is evidence that long-term deep anger can hurt a person physically, psychologically, and relationally.  For an overview of this kind of anger, please see the book, Forgiveness Therapy (2015) by Enright and Fitzgibbons.

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How can I determine when my anger has gone too far that it is unhealthy? How long is too long to be angry at any given person? How angry is too angry?

A key is this: Has the anger begun to affect your well-being?  In other words, is the anger frequently present to you?  Is it interfering with your everyday functioning?  Is it affecting your energy or your sleep or your important relationships?  If you see that the anger is now affecting your well-being and if it has persisted for weeks or months, then it is time to courageously confront that anger.  If the anger is caused by another person’s injustice, you should consider forgiving when you are ready to do so.  This likely will lower the level of anger.

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I’ve been told by someone I know that I harbor unwarranted animosity toward her. She tells me that I have created false impressions about her throughout the course of our relationship and that she follows my best judgement in everything she does. I’m not sure if my resentment is warranted, but it feels like it. In what ways am I justified? If she claims that she did nothing wrong, then why do I still harbor animosity for her? Am I being overly sensitive?  How can I discern if I am exaggerating or if she is denying?

Do you have a pattern with her in that she makes these claims frequently or is this about one and only one incident?  If it is a pattern, and if you use common sense and wisdom, do you see unfairness coming from her?  If so, then she may be in denial.  Another way of checking who is accurate is this: Is there anyone else in your life who accuses you in a similar way?  In other words, do others claim that you are harshly judging them?  If not, and if your common sense and your conscience are telling you that her actions are wrong, then they probably are.  If this is the case, the next step is to help her with her denial.  Is she afraid of admitting wrong, do you think?  If so, try to ascertain why she might be fearful to admit wrong.

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Is it considered unhealthy anger, for instance, if someone is upset about a small incident involving someone who is no longer in his life and is only upset when he thinks back on the incident at random?

This does not seem to me to be unhealthy anger, which usually is defined as persistent and deep anger.  From your description, you are not continually or deeply affected by what happened.  To have occasional anger, for a short time, when reflecting back on an injustice is common.

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