Tagged: “forgive”

Forgive and forget: Do these really fit together?

I have come to realize that when we forgive, we do not develop a kind of moral amnesia.  Instead, we remember in new ways, without the deep pain we experienced at first.  We tend to remember the hurtful experiences of our life (such as a broken bone when the adult-person was a child, for example).  When we remember injustices in new ways, this helps us avoid being treated badly again in the same way by the same person.

In my country, people adhere to the idea of filial piety or honoring the parents no matter what. I am worried that if I forgive one of my parents, then I am no longer showing filial piety. What do you think?

When we forgive, we are saying that certain behaviors are unjust.  We separate the person, as possessing inherent worth in spite of that behavior, and the actions, which are considered wrong.  So, you can honor your parent as parent, as person, and still make the correct judgement that sometimes even our parents can act inappropriately.  In other words, you can forgive and maintain filial piety at the same time.

May I ask one more question about the definition of what forgiveness is? I am wondering if offering respect for the other is as strong as offering what you call agape love to that person.

Respect toward someone who has hurt you is very honorable, even courageous.  Yet, offering love is a higher virtue.  Why?  It is because agape love includes service to the other for the other’ sake (to help the person to change the unacceptable behavior).  One can show respect for another from a distance, without this challenging quality of assisting the other in moral growth.

Ok, I see that forgiving is more than “moving on.” Yet, what if I just want to tolerate the other. Is this forgiveness?

To tolerate may be part of the forgiveness process if you previously had deep annoyance or thoughts of revenge.  Toleration is similar to “do no harm” and so may be a beginning of the forgiveness process, but, as you may be seeing now, is not part of the essence of forgiving or what it is at its core.

I have heard a lot lately that certain offenses never should be forgiven.  Incest is an example.  So many say that a women who experiences such abuse is foolish to forgive, to offer mercy to the perpetrator.  This makes me so sad for our society that lets bitterness cloud perception.  In my view, forgiveness in this case literally is the only way to heal from the atrocity.  She can set herself free.  I am wondering what your view is of this.

I, too, see a strong tendency in some people to condemn those who forgive atrocities.  Yet, forgiveness is one of those moral virtues that is the chose of the one who was treated unjustly.  If a person chooses to forgive, this truly is the person’s free will decision and others should not stand in the way, insisting that their own will be the final decision.  Even if forgiving is “the only way to heal,” we should not try to force others to forgive.  This is because the choice whether or not to forgive belongs to the one injured.  You could present the case for forgiving, but in the end, the other, upon weighing the evidence, needs to decide.

For additional information, see Forgiveness is a Choice.