Tagged: “forgive”

I think that feelings of guilt, within temperate bounds, actually is healthy.  In other words, a person who feels guilty can take action to correct a wrong.  Given that this is the case, might my forgiving someone be ill-advised since I think those who do wrong should feel guilty?

When you forgive, you are not asking a person to feel no guilt because of the unfair treatment.  A healthy way to forgive is to offer mercy and then to ask for fairness.  This seeking fairness is not part of forgiveness, but rather is part of the moral virtue of justice, which can coexist with forgiveness.  Once the other person sees, acknowledges, and changes the unfairness, then it is appropriate to help the person reduce the guilty feelings.  Forgiving a person will not create a false sense of guilt reduction if you proceed with the request for fairness, in the hope the other responds positively to this.

I’m confused about forgiveness in the following context.  I am trying to forgive my brother for something that, to me, clearly was wrong.  He keeps insisting that he did nothing wrong.  He says I am a hypocrite if I proceed with my forgiveness.  Can I go ahead and forgive him, even though he is continually denying any wrongdoing?

Yes, you can forgive whenever you are ready, because forgiving is your choice, not someone else’s.  You can forgive your brother without announcing it to him.  You even can consider forgiving him for his insistence that you are a hypocrite.  Again, the choice always is yours.

How do I deal with a 9-year-old friend of my son whose parents say that forgiveness is stupid? I do not want to impose, but at the same time, I am very sad for this child who likely is getting incorrect information about forgiveness.

It has been my experience that when people are adamantly opposed to forgiving, they always and without exception have a misunderstanding about what it actually is. It seems obvious to me that the friend of your son has discussed forgiveness with you, given that he shared his parents’ views on the matter. When forgiveness comes up again, you could gently ask this: “What do you think forgiveness is?”  Be sure to explain what it is not. It is not caving into the injustices of the person who is acting unfairly. The forgiver may or may not reconcile. Try to explain that forgiving is the free will act of being good to those who are not good to the forgiver, without automatically reconciling if the other person continues with hurtful behavior. Having a conversation with the child’s parents about what forgiveness is and is not would be even better if the opportunity is available.

Can you provide at least one example of how someone can overcome the denial of excessive anger?

Sometimes people deny their anger because they see no way to cure that anger. So, out of even subconscious fear of that anger (because the person does not see a cure), then denial occurs and remains. When people see, through examining the science of forgiveness, that there is a cure for unhealthy anger, then they tend toward a willingness to take a look inside at the level of anger and to address it. Besides seeing the scientific evidence, if people who are afraid of their anger have a caring, supportive person to assist in the forgiveness process, this, too, can help to ease the fear of the anger and to let down, at least to a point for now, the denial of that anger.

You say that forgiveness interventions can reduce anger. Can this occur even with children? If so, can you provide a study for me to read?

Yes, we have found that forgiveness education with children as young as 6-years-old, who present with anger, can reduce in it. My colleagues and I did a study in Northern Ireland in which 6-year-olds started the forgiveness program and the participants were close to the clinical level of anger. After a 17-week forgiveness program (once a week for the 17 weeks), the results showed a statistically significant reduction in anger to normal levels.

The reference to this study is here:

Enright, R.D., Knutson, J.A., Holter, A.C., Baskin, T., & Knutson, C. (2007).  Waging peace through forgiveness in Belfast, Northern Ireland II: Educational programs for mental health improvement of children. Journal of Research in Education, Fall, 63-78.