Tagged: “Forgiveness Education”
Do you think it is a good idea to “forgive and forget”? It seems to me that if we completely forget, then we are open to the injustices experienced before. Maybe we remember and, at the same time, not dwell on the person’s actions.
You show insight here as you answer your own question. I use the expression, “Forgive and remember in new ways.” In other words, we do not develop a kind of moral amnesia in which we completely forget. We remember so that it does not happen again, but we remember without the burning anger that can be disruptive to the person who was treated unfairly.
I want to consider self-forgiveness. Do any of your publications focus on this?
Yes, and I would recommend the book 8 Keys to Forgiveness, published in 2015. The seventh “key” in the book discusses the controversies surrounding self-forgiveness, what self-forgiveness is, and how to go about forgiving yourself.
Where does self-forgiveness fit into anger at oneself or others?
We forgive ourselves when we have broken our own moral standards. Because it tends to be harder to forgive the self than other people, I recommend that you first forgive someone who has hurt you. Get to know the process of forgiveness this way. See how you broaden your view of this person and begin to see the person as possessing inherent worth, not because of the injustices but in spite of them. In self-forgiveness, yes, you are angry with yourself, but you will see as you now forgive yourself that even though you broke your own moral standard, you are a person of worth. As you see this, your heart likely will become softer toward yourself as you slowly develop self-compassion. As you do this you begin to lessen the anger. You then can stand in the pain of what you did so that you do not subvert yourself or take out your anger and disappointment on others. Then, try to give the gift of being kind and even loving toward yourself. As you do this, the anger toward yourself tends to lessen even more.
If I understand correctly, anger is an important step before the forgiveness process happens. What if someone has passive-aggressive anger? Is this all right to have?
There is a large difference between feeling the anger before starting the forgiveness process and acting on that anger. Passive-aggressive anger is directed toward others and should be resisted. The idea of “do no harm” includes the period in which a person feels initial anger, after experiencing injustice, and prior to forgiving.
Forgive and forget. I hear this so often. Do we forget when we forgive? If so, then how can we prevent the recurrence of others’ unjust behavior?
In my experience with helping people to forgive, I do not see that people literally forget what happened to them. Instead, I use the expression that people begin to “remember in new ways.” This is what I mean: The forgiver does recall the unjust behavior so that it does not keep occurring. Yet, in recalling what happened, the forgiver is not filled with dread or deep anger as may have occurred prior to forgiving. To remember in new ways is to protect the self from others’ harm without doing recurring inner harm to the self through intense and ongoing anger.
