Tagged: “Forgiveness Education”

I am feeling kind of forced into forgiveness.   Here is why: My partner asked me to forgive her and I said I am working on it.  She came back at me with this: “You, who are supposed to be such a good person, cannot even offer forgiveness to me when I ask?  What’s the matter with you?”  How would you respond to that?

I first would forgive her for this accusation and the pressure that she is putting on you.  Then, with a forgiving heart, I would gently explain that forgiveness is a process and you are sincerely working on that process.  You can update her on the process if and when you are ready.  We need to realize that each of us has a different timeline for forgiving and so we need to resist pressure from others to have it all wrapped up quickly.

You say that forgiving is unconditional, but would’t it help if the one forgiving hears a sincere apology from the one who offended?

Yes, a sincere apology tends to help most people to offer forgiveness, but such an apology is not a requirement that is absolutely necessary for the offended person to forgive.  If it were a requirement for the forgiver, this is giving too much power to the offending person over the other person’s healing from the injustice.

Dr. Enright Featured in the Wisconsin State Journal Newspaper

Dr. Robert Enright

The Wisconsin State Journal newspaper has a regular column entitled, Know Your Madisonian. On Saturday, October 21,2023 Dr. Robert Enright was the featured guest in that column, which was a “top story, editor’s pick” that day. The reporter, David Wahlberg, stated that Dr. Enright’s basic approach to forgiveness in world conflict zones is that “forgiveness begins at home.” In other words, when groups have been in conflict for a long time, it is best not to start peace dialogues with forgiveness, but instead to first grow in this moral virtue by practicing forgiveness in the everyday annoyances of one’s own home and community. Because forgiveness is difficult and takes time, he recommends practice and then more practice first with loved ones in the give and take of family and local community life. This helps people to grow in the moral virtue of forgiveness. Once they become more “forgivingly fit,” then people may be more receptive to the idea of group-to-group forgiving. If both sides can bring a mature perspective of forgiveness to the peace table, then the dialogue is less likely to include wounded hearts that are filled with resentment or even hatred.

I’ve gone through the process of forgiveness with a fellow employee at work.  Yet, I do not feel that I have fully forgiven.  In other words, I still have some anger.  Does this mean I have not forgiven?  What do I do in this case?

When we forgive, our anger does not necessarily go away entirely.  You do suggest in your question that your anger has gone down, which is a sign that you are doing well in the forgiveness process.  If you are motivated to do so, you can start once again with this person and continue to forgive.  We sometimes have to do this when deeply hurt by others.

Is there anything the one who is forgiven owes the one who was harmed and who extended forgiveness?

Yes, the one who offended can attempt to offer apologies if the person who is forgiven is aware of the wrongdoing.  Reconciliation can be facilitated by an apology and an effort to correct the wrongs.

Sometimes the forgiven perceives no wrong in the behavior and believes the forgiver is exaggerating.  In this scenario, the one who has been forgiven may nevertheless express regret by saying, “I’m sorry my actions hurt you,” as a show of goodwill rather than by acknowledging guilt that does not exist.