Tagged: “forgiveness is a choice”
“My father abandoned our family when I was 6 years old. I am now grown, in college, and he has come around now that the pressure is off. He wants to establish a relationship with me, but I do not even know him. Does it seem kind of phony to now go ahead with this?”
It is never too late to forgive. You see your father’s mistakes. I think that he sees them, too. You surely have a right to your anger. At the same time, you could give your father a huge gift of mercy and aid your own emotional healing if you have mercy on him and consider forgiveness. It will take a strong will and courage for you to do this. You will know if and when you are ready.
What’s so bad about a little anger to keep the obnoxious people away?
It is normal to feel some anger in the short-term when others act unjustly. It is the long-term anger that can last for decades that can be the problem. That long-term anger can deplete one’s energy and cut into one’s happiness. It is under this circumstance that the unhealthy, long-term anger needs to be addressed and reduced.
In my country, people adhere to the idea of filial piety or honoring the parents no matter what. I am worried that if I forgive one of my parents, then I am no longer showing filial piety. What do you think?
When we forgive, we are saying that certain behaviors are unjust. We separate the person, as possessing inherent worth in spite of that behavior, and the actions, which are considered wrong. So, you can honor your parent as parent, as person, and still make the correct judgement that sometimes even our parents can act inappropriately. In other words, you can forgive and maintain filial piety at the same time.
May I ask one more question about the definition of what forgiveness is? I am wondering if offering respect for the other is as strong as offering what you call agape love to that person.
Respect toward someone who has hurt you is very honorable, even courageous. Yet, offering love is a higher virtue. Why? It is because agape love includes service to the other for the other’ sake (to help the person to change the unacceptable behavior). One can show respect for another from a distance, without this challenging quality of assisting the other in moral growth.
Ok, I see that forgiving is more than “moving on.” Yet, what if I just want to tolerate the other. Is this forgiveness?
To tolerate may be part of the forgiveness process if you previously had deep annoyance or thoughts of revenge. Toleration is similar to “do no harm” and so may be a beginning of the forgiveness process, but, as you may be seeing now, is not part of the essence of forgiving or what it is at its core.
