Tagged: “forgiveness is a choice”

In my country, people adhere to the idea of filial piety or honoring the parents no matter what. I am worried that if I forgive one of my parents, then I am no longer showing filial piety. What do you think?

When we forgive, we are saying that certain behaviors are unjust.  We separate the person, as possessing inherent worth in spite of that behavior, and the actions, which are considered wrong.  So, you can honor your parent as parent, as person, and still make the correct judgement that sometimes even our parents can act inappropriately.  In other words, you can forgive and maintain filial piety at the same time.

May I ask one more question about the definition of what forgiveness is? I am wondering if offering respect for the other is as strong as offering what you call agape love to that person.

Respect toward someone who has hurt you is very honorable, even courageous.  Yet, offering love is a higher virtue.  Why?  It is because agape love includes service to the other for the other’ sake (to help the person to change the unacceptable behavior).  One can show respect for another from a distance, without this challenging quality of assisting the other in moral growth.

Ok, I see that forgiving is more than “moving on.” Yet, what if I just want to tolerate the other. Is this forgiveness?

To tolerate may be part of the forgiveness process if you previously had deep annoyance or thoughts of revenge.  Toleration is similar to “do no harm” and so may be a beginning of the forgiveness process, but, as you may be seeing now, is not part of the essence of forgiving or what it is at its core.

Is there a difference between accepting a situation and forgiving?

Yes, there is a large difference between the two. You never forgive situations, but instead you forgive persons for their unjust actions against you or against those about whom you care.  Because a situation is not a person, you do not forgive situations.

I am reading your book, “Forgiveness is a Choice,” and I am wondering… Does forgiveness apply in the case of a husband who is constantly mean and untrustworthy? The examples in the book seem to all be regarding a single past hurt, or an offense that occurred in the past. What about offenses that are ongoing but unrepented of and unresolved? I am Catholic, so I very much agree with forgiveness and starting over, etc. But I don’t know how to respond to unchanging behaviors that are sinful against me. Continual forgiveness?? Is it possible to not be resentful and bitter?

First, we have to realize that to forgive does not mean that you abandon the quest for justice. Forgive and from this place of diminished anger, let your husband know of your wounded heart and exactly why it is so wounded. He may reject your feelings at first, but this does not mean he will continually reject the truth.

You need to practice continual forgiveness, every day if you have the strong will for this. And pray about when it is the best time to once again ask for justice and even compassion from your husband. Was he deeply hurt as a child? If so, he may be displacing his anger onto you. Perhaps you both need to read Forgiveness Is a Choice…..together.