Tagged: “forgiveness is a choice”
Can I forgive two people at a time, or is the focus usually on only one person who acts unfairly?
You certainly can forgive two or more people if both were involved in the one incident in which there was injustice toward you. If the two people hurt you in two entirely different situations, then you could forgive each one separately, one at a time. You also can forgive a group of people if this group was unjust to you. Groups as a whole can engage in unjust actions and so your forgiving the entire group, even though more abstract than forgiving one person at a time, is reasonable to do, if you so choose.
For additional information, see Learning to Forgive Others.
I have been raised in such a way that forgiveness is not the best resolution when there are problems. Standing up for what I believe in is the solution. What do you think?
I think that standing up for one’s beliefs is good. Yet, by itself, this likely will not help you to heal from built-up resentments that could last a very long time. In other words, why focus on only one approach, in this case standing up for your own beliefs? Why not expand your options by forgiving and standing up for your beliefs. Even if this standing up does not solve the problem, at least then you have solved another problem, that of resentment which can be unhealthy for you and for your loved ones.
For additional information, see Forgiveness Defined.
You talk about what you call the “global perspective” in your book, Forgiveness Is a Choice. I am having trouble understanding what this is. Would you please clarify?
A global perspective asks the forgiver to go beyond concrete specifics of the offending behavior and to view the person who offended in a larger context than those behaviors. For example, in taking a global perspective the forgiver is asked to see what is shared in common with the other person. They both need air to breathe; they both have bodies that need nutrition; each will die some day. The point is to help the forgiver see a common humanity between the two, not because of what the other did, but in spite of this.
A year ago, my wife hurt me deeply, right down to my core. She did not apologize then or now. She does not feel responsible because she did not intend to hurt me. I do not want revenge at all. While I believe that I can forgive her, even without an apology, is it inconsistent with the notion of forgiveness that I feel she cannot remain my wife if she will not take responsibility for her part in my suffering?
Yes, it is inconsistent to both forgive your wife and to consider leaving her for the hurt she caused you, especially when her action appears to be a one-time act that was not repeated. To put in perspective what I am saying, I think you may have a good case against your marriage if: a) she showed a pattern before marriage that made it impossible for her to be a wife to you; b) she continued this pattern that is so extreme that she was not a wife to you during the marriage, and c) it appears, from the counsel you receive from competently wise people, that she does not have the capacity for the future to truly be a wife to you.
Perhaps you both need to sit down and revisit the hurtful event from a year ago. She says that she never intended to hurt you. Sometimes, intentions that are not directed toward unjust and cruel actions nonetheless are morally wrong. Here is an example: A person at a party knows that she will be driving. Yet, she drinks and then drinks to excess. She gets behind the wheel of the car, drives, crashes into another car, and breaks the leg of the other driver. She did not intend wrong. She tried to be careful even though she had too much alcohol in her. The act itself was negligent even though there was no intent to break another person’s leg. It was negligent precisely because the consequences of driving under the influence can be dire even with the best of intentions.
Does your wife see this: one can act unjustly even with intentions that are not leaning toward doing something unjust? Do you see this: Her actions, though hurtful to you, may not have been unjust? Try to have a civil dialogue about these issues. And continue to deepen your forgiveness and to see that your avowed commitment to your wife is far deeper than one even enormous hurt that she inflicted on you.
Learn more at Forgiveness for Couples.
Take the Long Perspective When It Is Difficult to Forgive
Think about one time in your childhood when you had what seemed to be a serious disagreement with a friend. At the time, did it seem like this breach would last forever? Did it? How long did it take to either reconcile or to find a new friend? Time has a way of changing our circumstances. This is not to advocate a kind of passive approach to life here—such as, “Oh, I’ll just wait it out and not bother to exert any effort.” That is not the point. The point is to take a long perspective so that you can see beyond the next hill to a place that is more settled and the pain is not so great. You already saw in your childhood that conflicts end. And the consequences of those conflicts (feeling sad or angry) also end. Why should that same process of change not also apply now? Try to see your circumstance, as realistically as you can, one month from now. Try to see your circumstance six months from now. Try to see yourself two years from now. Will you be the same person? Will you respond to injustices in the exact same way as you did three months ago? Probably not. You will likely be able to meet challenges with greater strength and wisdom as you continue on the forgiveness journey.
Enright, Robert. 8 Keys to Forgiveness (8 Keys to Mental Health) . W. W. Norton & Company. Kindle Edition.
