Tagged: “forgiveness journey”

Is it harder to forgive if a person is filled with anger compared with another person who is filled with pain and sorrow after being treated unfairly?

It seems to me that if the anger is very intense and includes resentment or even hatred, then, yes, it is harder to forgive. Some people who are fuming with anger cannot even use the word “forgiveness” because it intensifies the anger. At the same time, if a person has deep sorrow, sometimes there is an accompanying lack of energy and the person needs some time to mourn first. At such times, the person needs to be gentle with the self as emotional healing takes place.

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I have a problem.  I am out of an unhealthy relationship.  My ex-boyfriend now is in a new relationship with another woman.  He seems to want me to forgive him so he can be free of his own guilt because he broke his own moral standard.  In other words, he is not asking for forgiveness for my sake, for my well-being, but only for his.  So, do I even tell him that I have forgiven when I have gone down that path?

Forgiving is your choice when you are ready.  There are many reasons why you might forgive: a) to aid his recovery of his well-being; b) to aid your own recovery; and c) as an end in and of itself, among other reasons.  So, you can forgive, for example, because it is good in and of itself.  If you decide to forgive also as a way to aid his recovery, even when he is uninterested in your recovery, this would be a very deep sense of forgiving, doing so through pain for his sake.  This kind of goal can take time and so please be gentle with yourself as you discern the answer to your goal regarding why you are forgiving.  If you are not ready to forgive in particular for his sake, you can start by forgiving so that you are free of resentment and can move forward well in life.  The other reason might develop in you later.

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Can I forgive without feeling compassion for the one who hurt me?

Think of forgiving, when treated deeply unfairly by others, as a journey.  It takes time and effort and so not all components of forgiving are present at once.  If you begin the journey and have reduced some resentment toward the one who hurt you, then you are forgiving to the extent possible right now on that part of the journey you happen to be on now.  Compassion may come later.  Even if it does not, please remember that you do not have to be a perfect forgiver to give yourself credit on the forgiveness journey.

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