Tagged: “Forgiveness Process”
What would you suggest I do regarding a 6-year-old who is fuming over being bullied at school? How do I introduce forgiveness without imposing it?
We have forgiveness curriculum guides here at the International Forgiveness Institute, and the grade 1 guide might be a strong introduction for the 6-year-old. This first-grade guide slowly introduces the children to the concept of forgiveness, first by focusing on the inherent worth of all people. This slowly transcends to the idea that even those who behave badly have worth as persons. This does not mean that children then should automatically reconcile with those who are being hurtful. As the child learns about inherent worth through stories, you can slowly fold in the idea that the ones who are bullying have more to them than this behavior. At the same time, let the child know that the educators should be alerted to the bullying so that it can be addressed and stopped.
I have to admit that I get confused when I read the journal articles on forgiveness. The confusion primarily centers on the definition of forgiveness. It seems that no two authors can agree on what forgiving actually means. Can you help me sort this out so that I can settle on a comprehensive definition of forgiveness that makes sense?
Yes, I do understand your dilemma as you read journal articles on forgiveness. We now have an entire issue of the Journal of Theoretical and Philosophical Psychology (published in February 2025) in which we explore from both a philosophical and psychological perspective the definition of forgiveness. I hope the narrative in the first article of that special issue helps you to discern the accurate definition of forgiving.
Which of your self-help books would you recommend if I want to forgive myself?
In the book, 8 Keys to Forgiveness, one of the eight keys is self-forgiveness. In that chapter, I discuss the controversies surrounding self-forgiveness and offer advice on proceeding with it if the reader is ready to do so.
What is the difference between your two books, Forgiveness Is a Choice and The Forgiving Life?
Forgiveness Is a Choice works the reader through forgiving one person who acted unjustly against the reader. The Forgiving Life goes more deeply in that it encourages the person to continue practicing forgiveness toward all the people who have offended the reader, from childhood to the present time. The point is to wipe the slate clean regarding any resentments toward anyone who has been cruel to the reader. The Forgiving Life book has as a goal the development of a love of the virtue of forgiveness through making it a part of one’s life.
In my experience, some people I know are anxious, and some are even depressed. At the same time, I see that they have suffered grave injustices against them. Yet, and importantly, these people that I know are oblivious to the connection between the injustices that they have suffered and their present psychological challenges. Even if I am wrong about this connection between their past and the challenging injustices against them, how can we safely explore the possibility that the current anxiety or depression may be caused by the disruption to their emotions from the injustices? And how can I suggest forgiveness as a way to address all of this with my clients?
One way to start is to gently examine the extent of the anxiety and/or depression. Have the clients rate the emotional challenge on the 1-to-10 scale, with a 10 being an extreme form of the emotion. If some of your clients are in the 6-to-10 range on either anxiety or depression, do they see that it would be good to address this emotion? If so, the next step is to see if: a) there are current life events that trigger the emotion; and b) the injustice from the past is still bothering any of them. If both (a) and (b) are present in any of the clients, you could gently discuss with them the existing scientific evidence that current emotional challenges can be linked to serious injustices against people that could have occurred years ago. See if the clients have any questions about this link (between past injustices and current emotional challenges). If they see this and are ready, you could examine whether or not any of these clients are open to exploring forgiveness, properly understood as not excusing, not necessarily reconciling if the offending person remains a danger, and not abandoning justice. As you did with the link between current emotional challenges and past injustices against your clients, you can show the scientific evidence that forgiving, even though it takes time, can ameliorate the excessive anxiety or depression. It may take time for them to think about and choose forgiveness, but if this pathway is chosen, you can introduce those clients to one of our self-help forgiveness books (Forgiveness Is a Choice, The Forgiving Life, or 8 Keys to Forgiveness). These books can be used in professional therapy or as a self-help resource. Thank you for your willingness to help hurting people.
