Tagged: “Forgiveness Process”
Why do you think that people just assume that you can be part of their life again once you forgive them? To be honest, this kind of assumption annoys me.
I think people assume that they can be part of your life again, once you forgive them, because they are equating forgiving with reconciling. As you probably know, one can forgive and not reconcile, especially when the offending other person refuses to change unjust and hurtful behavior.
To be sure that I understand you, are you saying that all subjective experiences of forgiveness are irrelevant. Do I understand you correctly?
Actually, no. Subjective views of forgiveness are very important. How a person is feeling needs to be honored, especially when that person is in much pain over what happened. Each person’s subjective experience may be somewhat different in terms of intensity, duration, and kind of emotion experienced when treated badly by others. Yet, if this person now wants to go on a forgiveness path, it is very important that this person understands what forgiveness is and is not so that a wrong path is not chosen. As an example, if someone equates forgiving with summarily dismissing another person as less than human, and nurtures hatred within, this person’s subjective experience will need correction to get on the right forgiveness path.
In your process of forgiveness (page 2 of Forgiveness Is a Choice), you say that forgetting what happened to the forgiver is unhealthy. Yet, it seems to me that, once a person forgives, it is healthy to move on and just “forget about it.” Would you please clarify your position for me?
There are at least two different meanings to the term “to forget.” The first one, which I see as unhealthy, is to suppress the knowledge that the other is a danger to you. It is important to remember that some people are not “on our side.” The second meaning of the term “to forgive” is to move on, as you say. So, you can move on from a situation while you see the humanity in the other (as you choose to forgive). As you see the humanity in the other, it is important to acknowledge the other’s weaknesses if the person still has a pattern of behavior that is hurtful to you.
Forgiveness Is a Choice, Dr. Robert Enright.
My area of study is cross-cultural differences. In some cultures, it is considered inappropriate to “give a gift” (as you suggest in your forgiveness process). It is considered inappropriate because such gift-giving is seen as a sign of superiority. So, might it be best to skip this step in your forgiveness model for some cultures?
In such cultures, as you say, it is best to give the gift in ways that respect the norms of the culture. One need not give a gift within a box all wrapped up in gift-wrap and a bow. One can be more subtle about it: a smile, paying respectful attention to the other, not speaking badly to other people about the one who hurt you. A gift is a generous and often unexpected kindness which can be done tastefully by knowing the norms of a given culture.
I am not so sure that I have forgiven. Here is my situation: Whenever I see this person, I feel pain. I do wish him well, but the pain remains. What do you think?
There is a difference between pain and unhealthy anger in which you hope that the other suffers. You say that you wish him well and this is an important part of the forgiveness process. Please keep in mind that within psychology we have a term called classical conditioning. In classical conditioning, over time we learn to associate certain people or situations with certain emotions. A mother upon holding her baby feels love. Classical conditioning links the sight or thought of the baby with love. In your case, you have linked the person with pain. You are classically conditioned to this link. As you try to associate this person who hurt you with wishing him well, a new link will forge—–seeing him and wishing him well. Be gentle with yourself on this. Classical conditioning links (such as pain and seeing the one who caused the pain) take time to dissolve.
