Tagged: “Forgiveness Process”

Can I forgive without empathizing with the one who hurt me?  I am afraid to empathize because I do not want to get too emotionally close to that person.

If the other cannot be trusted, then your keeping your distance, both physically and emotionally, is reasonable.  When you empathize with another person, you try to get a sense of that person’s inner world.  You can do that and still conclude that the person is a danger to you (if this is true and not a stereotype) and so your knowledge of the person’s inner world is not an invitation to sympathize (feel sorry for the person to such an extent that you might forget the current dangers posed by the continuing unjust behavior).  Seeing the other’s inner wounds does not mean automatic reconciliation.

Suffering, you say, makes us stronger. In my opinion, children should not have to suffer. Instead, they should be protected from harm. What are your thoughts?

I’m not saying that we should look for pain so that we can get stronger. My thesis, however, is that we often grow as individuals as a result of suffering and unfair treatment. For instance, as we suffer, we grow more perceptive of other people’s pain. Here is a crucial difference between what I just said and what I believe you’re saying: Even adults who experience abuse and suffering must find a safe haven.  Being strong does not mean you should overlook the need to take every precaution. Therefore, while they suffer, both adults and children must be kept safe. Additionally, both may become stronger as they endure hardship. It is possible to become stronger and safer at the same time.

I am considering conducting a research study with women who have been in unsuccessful marriages. Could you point me in the direction of any existing research in this area?

Yes, we have two published journal articles in which women, in unsuccessful marriages, learned to forgive with good mental health outcomes.  The references are as follows:

Reed, G. & Enright, R.D. (2006).  The effects of forgiveness therapy on depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress for women after spousal emotional abuse.  Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 74, 920-929.

Nisar, S., Yu, L., Ifikhar, R., & Enright, R.D. (2025). Forgiveness therapy to build hope and reduce anxiety and depression in battered women in Pakistan. Clinical Psychology and Psychotherapy. doi: http://dx.doi.org/10.1002/cpp.70089

Could it be that forgiveness does not “work” for some people because they do not experience any relief?  I am kind of feeling this way toward my boss.  He is too abrupt with me.

When this occurs, I suggest: 1) allowing the person more time to forgive; if that doesn’t work, 2) attempting to see whether the one who acted unjustly reminds you of someone else who needs your forgiveness. For instance, is it possible that your struggle to forgive your boss is related to your unforgiveness of someone else?  For example, is it possible that you have issues with forgiveness towards your father?  If so, then I advise you to first forgive your father. Your resentment toward your father then does not interfere with your ability to forgive the boss when you turn your attention to it.  This is just an example, as I am unsure if you have any issues with your father that require your forgiveness.

You emphasize getting to know the person in a broader sense, who is the offender.  Yet, what if the other is unknown to me?  How am I supposed to widen my view of this stranger?

We tend to emphasize three cognitive approaches in the forgiveness process.  The first is the Personal Perspective, in which the forgiver examines the personal history of the offending person, examining incidents in which this person has been hurt by others.  If you do not know the one who offended, then you cannot answer the questions in the Personal Perspective.  Yet, we also have what we call the Global Perspective in which the forgiver sees the shared inherent worth of both the offending person and the self.  After all, each is a person and all persons are unique, which makes each special and irreplaceable.  A third perspective, for those who have transcendent beliefs, is the Cosmic Perspective.  For example, a Jewish or Christian person can understand that all people are made in the image and likeness of God, as stated in Genesis 1 of the Bible.  So, even though you do not know the one who hurt you, both the Global and Cosmic Perspectives are available for you to do the cognitive work of forgiveness.