Tagged: “Forgiveness Process”

What is meant by pseudo-forgiveness?

Pseudo-forgiveness is what we call false forgiveness or having a philosophically incorrect view of what forgiveness is.  For example, a person is engaging in false forgiveness when thinking and saying,  “There really was no problem at all, now that I think about it.”  Another example is thinking that one can just “move on” from an unpleasant situation with another person without doing the hard work of trying to see the worth in the other person and acting on that.

For additional information, see The Four Phases of Forgiveness.

How long does it take before I can expect some emotional relief in the forgiveness process?

This will depend on how recently you were hurt, how deeply you were hurt, who hurt you, and your experience with the forgiveness process. Our research shows that if you can work on forgiving for about 12 weeks for serious offenses against you, then relief from excessive anger and anxiety can begin to occur. As a perspective on time, Dr. Suzanne Freedman and I did a study of incest survivors and it took about 14 months for the women to experience emotional relief. Although this may seem like a long time, please keep in mind that some of the women were struggling with anxiety and depression for years before they started to forgive.

For additional information, see Intervention with Incest Survivors.

I am reading your book, “Forgiveness is a Choice,” and I am wondering… Does forgiveness apply in the case of a husband who is constantly mean and untrustworthy? The examples in the book seem to all be regarding a single past hurt, or an offense that occurred in the past. What about offenses that are ongoing but unrepented of and unresolved? I am Catholic, so I very much agree with forgiveness and starting over, etc. But I don’t know how to respond to unchanging behaviors that are sinful against me. Continual forgiveness?? Is it possible to not be resentful and bitter?

First, we have to realize that to forgive does not mean that you abandon the quest for justice. Forgive and from this place of diminished anger, let your husband know of your wounded heart and exactly why it is so wounded. He may reject your feelings at first, but this does not mean he will continually reject the truth.

You need to practice continual forgiveness, every day if you have the strong will for this. And pray about when it is the best time to once again ask for justice and even compassion from your husband. Was he deeply hurt as a child? If so, he may be displacing his anger onto you. Perhaps you both need to read Forgiveness Is a Choice…..together.

I have anger left over after having gone though your forgiveness process. Does this mean that I have not forgiven?

The answer depends on how much anger you still have.  As you know, when a person has a sports injury and seeks medical help, there often is a chart in the doctor’s office with a 1-to-10 scale showing different levels of pain and the patient’s task is to place a number on the pain. I now ask you to take that 1-to-10 chart and turn it into a measure of anger.  How much anger is in your heart, most of the time, when you think back to the person who hurt you? Let us say that 1 equals very minimal anger and 10 equals almost unbearable anger.  Where do you place your anger on this 1-to-10 scale?  If the level of anger is in the 1-4 range this is quite typical. Many people do have some residual anger left over after they have forgiven.

For additional information, see How do I know if my anger is healthy or unhealthy?

Know and Practice Bearing the Pain

When you suffer from another’s injustice, if you quietly endure that suffering, you are giving a gift to those around you by not passing on anger, frustration, or even hatred to them. Too often, people tend to displace their own frustrations and angers onto unsuspecting others. These others, then, end up inheriting the original person’s internal wounds because this person refused to bear the pain him- or herself.

I am not saying here that it is good to shoulder psychological depression or unhealthy anger by being silent and keeping it all in. On the contrary, here is the point: What happened to you is now a reality. It did happen and you cannot change that. You have inherited a certain amount of pain from another person. What will you now do with that pain? Will you try to toss it onto someone else in the hope that it somehow leaves you? Or, will you accept that this hurtful event in fact happened and you will not now pass the pain down the line to others? Consider taking this perspective in bearing the pain:

“If I can shoulder this pain now, I will not be passing it on to other people, even innocent people who never had anything at all to do with the original offense. My anger could be transferred to innocent people and they, in turn, could pass on this anger to someone else, who passes it to someone else, and down the generations my anger goes. Do I want that? Do I want my anger to live on as it is transferred for many years to come? I can prevent this from happening as I decide, today, to bear the pain that came my way.

I will not call what happened to me ‘good.’  It was not. But I will do my best to shoulder it, and, paradoxically, that pain is likely to start lifting from my shoulders as I accept it now. This pain is not forever and my bearing the pain may help reduce it faster.”

Reminder: As you bear the pain of what happened to you, you may be protecting others and future generations from your anger.

Robert

Enright, Robert. 8 Keys to Forgiveness (8 Keys to Mental Health), excerpt from Chapter 6. W. W. Norton & Company.