Tagged: “Forgiveness Process”
Is forgetting a necessary part of forgiveness, or can you forgive while still remembering?
A recent study showed that as people forgive, they do not forget. Instead, as they remember, the heightened negative emotions are quieter, giving the forgiver a sense of inner peace. Here is a link to that interesting study:
Fernández-Miranda, G., Stanley, M., Murray, S., Faul, L., & De Brigard, F. (2025). The emotional impact of forgiveness on autobiographical memories of past wrongdoings. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General. Advance online publication. https://doi.org/10.1037/xge0001787
Can you truly forgive someone without ever reconciling with him or her?
Yes, you truly can forgive a person without reconciling because forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation. Forgiveness is a moral virtue of having mercy on those who were not good to the forgiver. Reconciliation is not a moral virtue, but instead is a coming together again in mutual trust. If the other person remains unrepentant and not trustworthy, your forgiveness is doing the best that you can. You then can go in peace knowing that you tried your best. Reconciliation now is the other person’s choice.
Is forgiveness more for the benefit of the forgiver or the forgiven?
Forgiveness, as a moral virtue, is focused on goodness specifically toward the one(s) who behaved unjustly. Yet, there is a difference between what forgiveness is and who benefits. Research shows that when people forgive, they benefit in a number of ways, such as reduced anger and related challenging emotions, and the growth in hope and self-esteem. At the same time, forgiveness is giving the one who offended a second chance if the person realizes the injustice, repents, and changes. So, in summary, forgiveness is for the other person, and both may benefit.
What is the difference between forgiving and forgetting? Aren’t they basically the same as you “let go” after a person treats you unfairly?
Forgetting is not a moral virtue. You can forget or put an unfair incident behind you, without any effort extended toward the one who was unfair. When you forgive, you deliberately have mercy on this person. Forgiveness focuses mercifully on the other. When we forget, this is not always the case.
I feel uncomfortable saying that I have forgiven when the one who hurt me has not apologized. It seems incomplete. What do you think?
What is incomplete in this case is a genuine reconciliation with the person. Forgiveness, as a moral virtue, can be willingly practiced by anyone at any time, as is the case with any of the moral virtues. As an analogy, suppose you want to be fair to people, giving them what they deserve. Your boss is overly demanding and, in this intemperance, is unfair to you. You can still be fair to the boss, giving a fair day’s effort for a fair day’s wage, even when the other is not reciprocating the justice. It is the same with forgiveness. You can have mercy on those who acted unfairly, even if they refuse to cooperate with an apology.
