Tagged: “Forgiveness Process”

Do you ever find that anyone actually starts the forgiveness process for anything other than the self-interest of feeling better?

First, we have to realize that the self-interest to which you refer is not a selfish process.  As an analogy, if you sprain your ankle and go to a physician for help, this is self-care, not selfishness.  I do find that such self-care is a strong motivation for many people to forgive.  Yet, I also see situations in which people, who have practiced forgiveness for a long time, forgive expressly for the one who acted unfairly.  These forgivers see the depth of forgiveness and want the best for the one who behaved badly.

If forgiveness sets me free from resentment, then isn’t it the case that forgiveness is about me and not about the one who hurt me?

You need to make a distinction between what forgiveness is and what it accomplishes in you.  When you forgive, you are reaching out in mercy toward the one who was unfair to you.  As you forgive well, then one accomplishment in you as forgiver is a reduction in resentment.  That accomplishment is not the same as what forgiveness is.

My brother put up his hand when I said, “I forgive you.”  He shouted, “Stop! I do not need to be forgiven!” Should I not forgive under this circumstance?

Your brother should not dictate to you whether or not to forgive him.  If he did wrong, and you want to forgive, then you should forgive.  You can do so without proclaiming it to him.  Do so in your mind and heart, and how you respond to your brother.  Forgiveness is your choice and should not be stopped because someone else, even the offending person, insists that you should not.  Forgiveness can set you free from resentment if you choose to practice it.

If my friend refuses to forgive a particular person, is it my business to try to convince her otherwise?

You need to be careful with what you say to her and how you approach her on this.  If you truly think it is in her best interest to forgive, you might try saying something like this: “I understand your frustration, and forgiveness is your choice.  Your ‘no’ to forgiving today is not necessarily your final word on the matter.  You might change your mind in weeks or months to come.  Try to see forgiveness for what it is, without distorting it as some kind of ineffective response or bad because people pressure you to forgive.  As you understand what forgiveness truly is and is not, be aware of any internal changes that occur within you regarding it.  I am here to discuss this with you if you wish.”

My partner and I have been in somewhat rocky relationship.  We have forgiven each other, but how do we know if we have deeply and truly forgiven so that we can move on well?

I would recommend the following four points as you discern whether or not you have forgiven well:

1. First of all, please realize that as we forgive, not all anger or sadness is completely eliminated. You may have some residual negative feelings and that is normal. 
2. Second, after we forgive, we may have to forgive again because of point 1 above (not all negative affect is eliminated upon forgiving).
3. Do you see your partner as a true human being?  In other words, do you see that there is more to your partner than past offenses?
4. Do you wish your partner well?  Do you wish your relationship well?  These are added themes, showing you that you have forgiven well, even if there is residual anger.
5. Have you worked on reconciliation, which includes trust?  Trust sometimes is earned a little at a time when there has been a serious betrayal.  As the other begins to show fairness in a consistent way, trust can build, improving the relationship.  Please keep in mind that forgiveness and reconciliation are distinct concepts.  Forgiveness helps solidify reconciliation, allowing people to come together again in mutual trust.