Tagged: “Forgiveness Process”
Here is my second slogan concerning what forgiveness is: “As I now look back, I see that the issue was not important once I completed the forgiveness process.”
This, as was the case with your first slogan, is incorrect. Forgiveness takes place in the context of unfairness, and so what happened was unfair, is unfair, and always will be unfair, even if you forgive. Forgiveness changes your view of the person. It does not alter the rightness or wrongness of the other person’s actions.
I have heard a number of slogans concerning what forgiveness is. I am wondering your opinion of each of these. I have eight points that I would like you to address one at a time. I hope my issues and your responses clarify what we really mean when we forgive others. The first slogan goes something like this: “I forgive you because I was not hurt by your actions.”
When we are treated unjustly, it is normal to feel hurt because unfairness is not pleasant. Our getting angry in the short-run shows that we understand what unfairness is. Therefore, we can experience hurt, and this does not invalidate the forgiveness process, but makes the acknowledgment of the hurt part of the beginning of the forgiveness process.
Thank you for giving me advice on not moving forward with a 2-hour forgiveness approach, given my long-standing hurt from my cousin. Which of your books would you recommend? I like the Socratic dialogue in your book, The Forgiving Life. Do you think that might help?
Yes, The Forgiving Life book works you through our Process Model of Forgiveness, as do my other self-help books. You are correct that The Forgiving Life is a dialogue between two people, as you read how they go about the forgiveness process. If you like the Socratic dialogue, then this is the book for you.
I recently read an article in which the author claims that the reader will be able to accomplish forgiving another person in less than two hours. I have a long-standing conflict with my cousin that goes back years. Do you think I should look into this 2-hour approach?
Our research shows that deep hurts from other people’s injustice take weeks or months to heal. We find that at least 12 weeks usually are necessary for these deep hurts to begin healing through forgiveness. Therefore, the 2-hour idea is for those with minor offenses against them and minimal psychological harm. In your case, I would not recommend the short approach.
I have been ignoring a co-worker who is harsh with me. I am wondering if this makes me a bad person. I do not hate the person and I feel sorry for him. I just can’t take the harshness.
It seems to me that your issue is one of reconciliation. You are not harboring hatred, as you say. You even “feel sorry” for him. So, there is no indication of being a “bad person” who might want to seek revenge and be hurtful. So, I recommend that you work on changing your views of yourself, seeing yourself as someone who reduces negative emotions in the face of difficult interactions coming from the other person.
