Tagged: “Forgiveness Process”

My brother put up his hand when I said, “I forgive you.”  He shouted, “Stop! I do not need to be forgiven!” Should I not forgive under this circumstance?

Your brother should not dictate to you whether or not to forgive him.  If he did wrong, and you want to forgive, then you should forgive.  You can do so without proclaiming it to him.  Do so in your mind and heart, and how you respond to your brother.  Forgiveness is your choice and should not be stopped because someone else, even the offending person, insists that you should not.  Forgiveness can set you free from resentment if you choose to practice it.

If my friend refuses to forgive a particular person, is it my business to try to convince her otherwise?

You need to be careful with what you say to her and how you approach her on this.  If you truly think it is in her best interest to forgive, you might try saying something like this: “I understand your frustration, and forgiveness is your choice.  Your ‘no’ to forgiving today is not necessarily your final word on the matter.  You might change your mind in weeks or months to come.  Try to see forgiveness for what it is, without distorting it as some kind of ineffective response or bad because people pressure you to forgive.  As you understand what forgiveness truly is and is not, be aware of any internal changes that occur within you regarding it.  I am here to discuss this with you if you wish.”

My partner and I have been in somewhat rocky relationship.  We have forgiven each other, but how do we know if we have deeply and truly forgiven so that we can move on well?

I would recommend the following four points as you discern whether or not you have forgiven well:

1. First of all, please realize that as we forgive, not all anger or sadness is completely eliminated. You may have some residual negative feelings and that is normal. 
2. Second, after we forgive, we may have to forgive again because of point 1 above (not all negative affect is eliminated upon forgiving).
3. Do you see your partner as a true human being?  In other words, do you see that there is more to your partner than past offenses?
4. Do you wish your partner well?  Do you wish your relationship well?  These are added themes, showing you that you have forgiven well, even if there is residual anger.
5. Have you worked on reconciliation, which includes trust?  Trust sometimes is earned a little at a time when there has been a serious betrayal.  As the other begins to show fairness in a consistent way, trust can build, improving the relationship.  Please keep in mind that forgiveness and reconciliation are distinct concepts.  Forgiveness helps solidify reconciliation, allowing people to come together again in mutual trust.

One more follow-up, please.  This is my sixth follow-up.  There is advice floating around that to forgive is to do your own private work on yourself by reducing anger and discontent.  After our exchange of ideas, this seems incorrect to me.  What can be done to correct this misinformation that seems to be popular now?

A key issue is this: Always and without exception, get to know the definition of forgiveness, what it is and what it is not.  An entire issue of the Journal of Theoretical and Philosophical Psychology (February 2025) was dedicated to this very issue.  The central paper, which attempted a definitive definition of forgiveness based on philosophical analysis, is this:

Song, J., Enright, R.D., & Kim, J. (2025). Definitional drift within the science of forgiveness:

The dangers of avoiding philosophical analyses. Journal of Theoretical and Philosophical Psychology, 45(1), 3-24. Note: This is the centerpiece article for a special issue on the definition of forgiveness within psychology.

doi: https://doi.org/10.1037/teo0000278

Sorry for so many questions.  This is my fifth follow-up to your idea that forgiveness is a moral virtue.  I have been told that I can complete forgiveness in as little as four sessions.  Can I do the work involved in the personal, global, and cosmic perspectives, along with the other processes that you briefly described, in four sessions?

If you have been deeply hurt by the other person, then four sessions likely will not be sufficient.  You may need 12 or more sessions because it takes time to view the person from the personal, global, and cosmic perspectives, wait for the time for your heart to soften, and then move forward with other processes as described in the book I previously suggested to you, Forgiveness Is a Choice.