Tagged: “forgiveness”
I know that to forgive is not to excuse what the other person did. I still worry that the one forgiven might misinterpret my forgiveness and think I am giving her permission to act unfairly. Can you help me sort this out?
When you forgive and your anger is lessened, you can gently ask for her fairness. If you do not have deep anger in your heart, you will probably be able to deliver your message with a quiet tone, and your suggestions for her fairness will likely be reasonable. As she sees that you want to be treated fairly, she is less likely to interpret your forgiveness as excusing.
I am a Christian. Is forgiveness only a moral virtue? It seems to me that it is a theological virtue, as St. Thomas Aquinas calls it. In other words, if forgiveness is a theological virtue, then we would need the grace of God to do this well.
As you point out, St. Thomas Aquinas makes a distinction between a moral virtue, open to all who are trying to live a good life, and a theological virtue, which is so challenging that we need the grace of God to get this right. St. Thomas does place charity under the heading of a theological virtue. Charity is loving others even when it is difficult to do so. Forgiveness on its highest level is a subset of charity, as we try to love others through our own pain caused by those toward whom we are offering charity.
If forgiveness and reconciliation are different, as you have said, then can I forgive and just write off the other in non-reconciliation?
When we forgive, we see the other as a person of worth. This means that on its deepest level, forgiveness makes room for reconciliation if the other can repent, change harmful ways, and be trusted. So, even without being able to reconcile with the other because of the other’s entrenched harmful behavior, you can be open to future change in the other. This does not mean that you do not move on in life. For example, if your boss and you do not get along at all, you can leave that job and find another. If the boss changes, you can interact in a kind way and still retain your new job. In other words, being open to reconciliation does not mean that your roles with one another must remain as you wait for change in the other person. Your reconciliation in this example would mean kindness and respect toward one another even if your roles with each other (boss and employee) have changed.
Can I forgive situations? I read a published work that said if I have a sore knee, I can forgive my knee. What do you think?
To forgive is to reach out in a merciful way to persons—–to persons. The essence of forgiveness is to love those who do not love you. Is your knee a person? Can you love your knee? You certainly can take care of your knee, but to love presumes that the other could, at least as a potentiality, love you back. Can your knee respond to your care by loving you? I think you can see that it is logically impossible to forgive your knee.
As a follow-up to my point about punishment as deserved for the one who offended me, isn’t it possible that the punishment could serve as a way of rehabilitating him?
Punishment alone may help to change a person’s behavior at least in the short run, but if this person is deeply hurting from being wounded by others in the past, the residual anger or hatred needs to be healed if the punishment is going to be effective. With hatred in his heart that is not healed, he may become even more entrenched in making others miserable. In other words, the punishment, especially if it is excessive and not temperate, could intensify his anger.
