Tagged: “forgiveness”
I am not in favor of focusing only on behavior and then saying, “What the person did was bad.” No. There are bad people and we can truly say, “This is a bad person.” Do you agree?
I would agree with the following: Humans, unlike any other primates, have a free will. This unique characteristic allows us to make choices that can affect our very humanity. Given this premise that we all have free will, and given the further premise that our choices can affect our humanity, it then follows that we can grow in our humanity, growing toward the greater good. If this is the case, then, through our free will choices, we can either grow in our humanity (toward the good of justice, courage, wisdom, temperance, forgiveness, and agape love in service to others) or diminish in our humanity (toward treating others as objects, cowardice, deliberately bad choices, greatly excessive behaviors, hatred, and selfishness). I would avoid the term “bad person.” Why? It is because a diminished humanity, forged by a free will of bad choices, always can be reversed by that very same free will that diminished the person’s true humanity (the goodness mentioned above). If we say someone is a “bad person” this is too permanent a label, given the free will possibility of reversing the choices that led to the stereotype of others calling the person “bad.”
For additional information, see Why Forgive?
How can forgiving make you just turn your back on the past as if it no longer exists, yet it still constantly haunts you?
Forgiveness does not ask you to “turn your back on the past.” When we forgive, we remember, but we remember in new ways rather than re-living all of the grim details that caused us pain. For example, when you forgive, you see the one who hurt you as emotionally wounded (if this is true). You see the other’s vulnerability. This helps to reduce the pain as you recall what happened. Also, as you forgive, you likely will not be re-living that event as often as you did before forgiving.
For additional information, see Learning to Forgive Others.
How can I monitor the level of pain I am feeling as I forgive?
When we visit the doctor’s office, oftentimes there is a chart on a 1-to-10 scale that assesses one’s level of physical pain. A 1 shows a smiling face and a 10 shows a tormented, crying face. Nurses and doctors know that we can judge our level of physical pain by this 10-point scale. I recommend the same scale for your emotional pain index. Let a 1 stand for no-emotional-pain-at-all and a 10 for excruciating emotional pain. Try to keep a log of how you are doing. As the emotional pain, over time, reduces, this can be motivation for your continuing with the forgiveness process. Even if your pain intensifies at times, that is part of the healing process. Try to see the overall trend.
For additional information, see The Four Phases of Forgiveness.
Do I have to grow in character before I am able to forgive? If so, what character traits do you see as important?
This is one of those chicken-or-the-egg dilemmas. It seems to me that as we forgive, we grow in the moral virtues, particularly of courage (as we decide to move forward), humility (as we try to see the humanity in the one who acted unfairly), and then eventually in love, particularly agape love, or that which is in service to others for their sake. Agape love costs the one who loves; it can be a struggle to offer goodness to another through a broken heart. These three: courage, humility, and agape love, I think, are major fruits of forgiving.
For additional information, see What is Forgiveness?
My friend has anger. He seems to have a pattern of distracting himself whenever he has a resurgence of his anger. In other words, he buries himself in computer games, has fun, and the anger subsides. Yet, that anger never seems to leave. He can get all hot-under-the-collar, as they say, and have temper tantrums. So, is the method of distraction ok or not?
The method of distraction as a coping mechanism for deep anger only is a short-term solution. In other words, distraction masks the anger for a while, but it does not cure the anger. Have you talked with your friend about what is bothering him? If it is an injustice from another person or persons, perhaps it is time to consider forgiving. This may not eliminate all of his anger, but it should reduce it to more manageable levels.
For additional information, see Why Forgive?
