Tagged: “forgiveness”

I was hurt in a 5-year relationship and now I am hesitant to get into any other relationship. Does this lack of courage on my part suggest that I have not forgiven the one who hurt me?

The issue here seems to be one of a lack of trust.  You may or may not have forgiven the one with whom you were in a relationship for the 5 years.  Even if you have completely forgiven, you still may lack trust and this is not a sign of unforgiveness.  It is a sign that you know hurt is possible when you commit to others.  Forgiveness can help with taking the risk and at the same time your using common sense in the new relationship, along with sincere acts of trustworthiness by the other, should help to slowly create a trust with the new person.

Learn more at Forgiveness for Couples.

In your book, Forgiveness Is a Choice, you talk about finding meaning in suffering. You talk about growing beyond yourself. What does this mean?

When people find meaning in suffering they often develop a deeper sense of what it means to be a person.  You may begin to see, for example, that your suffering has shown you that all people suffer, all people are emotionally wounded to one degree or another.  You begin to realize that your suffering is making you a more sensitive person to other people.  In other words, your world expands as you see humanity more deeply.

For additional information, see Finding Meaning in Suffering.

When a person forgives and really understands the importance of forgiving, do they then have an obligation to pass on the importance of forgiveness to others?

Because forgiveness is a choice, I do not think that we should put pressure on those who forgive to now go and become teachers of others. I do think that it is reasonable to let those who forgive know that helping others to now forgive is good, if this resonates with the person. In my own experience, I see people, who develop a pattern of being persistent forgivers, often do have an internal self-chosen obligation to teach and help others.

For additional information, see Why Forgive?

My anger ends when I walk away from a person who is being unkind to me. So, Walk-Away Therapy is better than Forgiveness Therapy. Would you agree?

If the injustice is slight and short-lived, then walking away temporarily or even with an intent to reconnect with the person might be helpful.  Yet, if the injustice is severe, then walking away tends to lead to the following:  You walk away and have a temporary sense of relief. Yet, over time, the burden of carrying the effects of that injustice (frustration, resentment, and at times even hatred) is not left at the time and site of the injustice.  Instead this excess emotional baggage can remain with you literally for decades.  It is Forgiveness Therapy that can alleviate those burdens.  Walking away under this circumstance means that you are walking with a sack of woes on your back.

For additional information, see Why Forgive?

I think I have forgiven someone for betraying me. Yet, I actually do not want to have anything to do with this person anymore. Does this mean I have not forgiven?

We need to make a distinction here between forgiving and reconciling.  The late Lewis Smedes, in his 1984 book, Forgive and Forget, made the compelling point that we know we have forgiven someone “if we wish the other well.”  If you wish the other well, hoping that bad things do not happen to the person, then you have forgiven. 

Forgiveness usually leaves us with some residual feelings of anger or sadness about what happened, but these emotions then are not intense and dominating us.  In contrast, reconciliation is when two or more people come together again in mutual trust.  Given that you were abandoned, your trust in that relationship likely is low and should be low if the other is continuing the hurtful behavior.  So, yes, you very well may have forgiven, but you rightly are not ready to reconcile.

For additional information, see Have You Been Betrayed? 5 Suggestions for You.