Tagged: “forgiveness”

How do I stay committed to the forgiveness journey when I still have anger?

Anger can endure for a long time even when we forgive.  Yet, as we engage in forgiveness, the anger can lessen.  As one person so wisely explained to me,” I still have some anger toward the one who hurt me.  Yet, now I am in control of my anger.  In the past, my anger controlled me.”  Try to see even small changes in your anger.  Even if it goes down only a little, this is a big victory.  This knowledge can be an encouragement to keep going with the forgiveness process.  Also, cultivate hope or confidence that you will be better off three months from now regarding your anger, which likely will continue to lessen as you practice forgiveness.

How does forgiveness differ from tolerance?

When we tolerate, we exercise patience so that we do not respond negatively to others who might be annoying us with insensitive behavior or disagreeing with us on an important topic.  While this is good because it prevents anger from spilling over to the other, it does not go as far as forgiveness, which on its highest level is to reach out in love toward those who have been unjust to us.  Patience and love are important, but love is far more challenging and probably far more life-giving for both people than patience alone.

Is it all right for me to forgive with the primary intention of feeling better?  With this self-centeredness hinder my forgiving in the future?

There is a difference between being self-centered and being selfish.  If you hurt your knee while running, is it selfish to seek medical help? I don’t think so. It is self-care to go to the sports medicine clinic for treatment.  I want you to see that self-care is not the same as selfishness.  As a further point, your motivation (why you want to forgive) is different from what forgiveness itself is.  You can begin the forgiveness process for self-care.  Yet, the forgiveness process itself challenges you to be good to the person who was unfair to you.  In other words, forgiveness itself is other-centered, even when the motivation is self-care.

We have one family member who is way too challenging, and everyone is mad at him.  I have forgiven him and have stated that to the other family members.  Now I have a new problem.  My other family members are upset with me because I have forgiven. “How can you do this, given what he has done?” is a typical statement directed at me.  I wonder what you think about this and how I should respond.

In my experience, if a person has a particular attitude about forgiveness, then this person can get upset when others have a different attitude.  This can include people getting upset at forgivers or, in contrast, getting upset at those who will not forgive.  In your case, others do not want to forgive, and you do.  Therefore, there is conflict.  It could be the reverse in other circumstances.  For example, if you would not forgive and everyone else would, then they might be upset with you for withholding your forgiveness.

We need to work on being tolerant and patient with family members who disagree with us about forgiveness attitudes and decisions. Because forgiveness is each persons choice, it is up to each person whether or not forgiveness will be offered now. This is one of the keys to understanding what forgiveness is and how we deal with forgiving.  Yes, you can gently suggest forgiveness to others, but you have to be careful not to be overbearing because a “no” to forgiveness today does not mean that this will still be the case, for example, in three months.

I recommend that you show this response to your family members. Let them see how typical it is for people to want everyone else to agree with them.  Let them see that, because of each person’s free will, it is important not to pressure others to hold our own view.

As a final point, if people continue to be negative toward you for your forgiving, I recommend that you work on forgiving all who have been unkind to you about this.

From a rational standpoint, I am aware that everyone is deserving of forgiveness. However, I occasionally feel badly about forgiving someone, especially if I think he doesn’t deserve it. I simply can’t get rid of the feeling that he doesn’t deserve my forgiveness. In other words, it is too simple to justify this by claiming that everyone deserves forgiveness. In my heart, the guilt upon forgiving annoys me. What would you recommend?

Let us distinguish between two crucial interpretations of the word “deserve.”  That word has two meanings: a broad meaning and a narrow one.

Let’s start by concentrating on the general idea. By using the term “deserve,” you may be implying that because all people are unique, valuable, and irreplaceable, they all “deserve” to be treated with mercy at some point in their life.

Second, let’s go on to the word’s more specific connotation, which focuses on the injustice that was done to you. We can say, “I believe that this person does not deserve my forgiveness because he betrayed me (disrespected, robbed, or whatever is a serious injustice).” You are 100% right in this second usage of the term “deserve.” The individual does not “deserve” your forgiveness because of what he did to you. Are you aware of why? It is because instead of using a phrase that implies mercy, you are choosing a term that implies justice (“deserve”).

Mercy, not justice, is at the heart of forgiveness.  In other words, the offending person cannot say, “I have a right to your forgiveness.  You are being unjust to me in withholding forgiveness.”  It would be unfair to you for the person to demand forgiveness from you to which you must assent. You are free to forgive him whenever you want.

Try to keep in mind two things when you are unsure if someone deserves your forgiveness or not:

1) Because we are all human beings and because we are all unique, valuable, and irreplaceable, we all deserve mercy at least some of the time. If you are not prepared to offer forgiveness, this does not imply that you must show the mercy of forgiveness to everyone on every occasion. You might change your mind later and forgive.

2) In the second, more specific sense of the term forgiveness, no one is literally deserving of mercy because to deserve here means to exercise the moral virtue of justice, not mercy.  Make an effort to recognize that your forgiveness is not in the area of justice, where there are rights, earnings, absolute obligations, and deservingness. Change your perspective and recognize forgiveness as a voluntary act of kindness and love when you are ready. This could ease your guilt and let you go forward with forgiveness.