Tagged: “forgiveness”

Is it ok to engage in escapism rather than the hard road of forgiveness when I have emotional pain because of another’s unfairness?

Temporary escapism is reasonable.  It is similar to the psychological defense of denial.  Psychological defenses in the short-run are good because they keep us from severe anger or anxiety.  In the long-run, if all we do is use denial or escapism, then this is not allowing us to deal with the heart of the problem, which is to heal from what happened.  As an analogy, if you have torn muscle tissue in your knee, and this requires surgery, you are not healing the knee by denying the extent of your injury.  To forgive is to face the reality of deeply unfair treatment, the dangers of resentment, and your need of healing.

For additional information, see Why Forgive?

How can I say, “I forgive you” to a system that has oppressed my people for a long time.  I am a “person of color” and it is my understanding that to forgive involves a concrete, flesh-and-blood other person.  This is not the case with a system.

You are correct that you are unable to say directly to a system, “I forgive you.”  It sometimes is the same with concrete, “flesh and blood” other people.  For example, you can forgive from your heart without words to a person who abandons you, whom you now cannot see.  When you forgive a system it can be from the heart and from the actions you take toward that system.  After all, systems are made up of people and people create norms that can be hurtful to some groups in that system.  So, you are able to forgive the system if this is your choice.  It is more abstract than forgiving one concrete, “flesh and blood” other person, but you can extend kindness and generosity to  the unseen others who established and continue with unfair norms.  Of course, this does not mean that you give up the quest for justice.  Forgiveness and justice exist side by side.

For additional information, see How to Forgive.

I am a victim of incest. My father has died and I refuse to go to his graveside.  Does this mean I am not forgiving him?

Your not going to your father’s graveside does not necessarily indicate that you have not forgiven.  Forgiveness does not necessarily mean that you are finished with all negative emotions.  Classical conditioning may be happening here in that you associate the grave with the incest and it makes you uncomfortable or anxious.  Staying away under this condition is understandable.  If you are doing no harm to your father in that you are not talking negatively about him to family members or others, you may be on the path to forgiving.

For additional information, see Learning to Forgive Others.

My boss abruptly and without warning dismissed me from my position last week.  Since then, I have had thoughts of revenge, not to actually do anything, just fantasy.  Is this part of forgiveness or is this a symptom that I am unforgiving?

Fantasies of revenge show you that you are highly resentful of your boss’ actions.  An initial period of anger, even intense anger, is common when there is severe injustice.  The key now is what you want to do with that anger.  Do you want to keep that anger and nurture it or do you want to be rid of it?  If you want to be rid of it, then this may be the beginning of forgiveness.

A next step in forgiving is this: Are you engaging in forgiveness only to be done with the resentment or are you actually exercising the moral virtue of forgiveness by wishing your boss well?  When you get to the point of wanting good for the boss, then you are engaging in the deep issues of forgiveness.

For additional information, see The Four Phases of Forgiveness.

“CE Course Bridges Gap Between Forgiveness Theory and Theology”

Editor’s Note: We asked a recent graduate of our Online Forgiveness Education Course to tell us about his experience with the “Forgiveness Therapy” course. Here is the response from Randy Miota, Manager of Chaplaincy Services, Spectrum Health Lakeland, St. Joseph, MI, USA:

“This Forgiveness Therapy CE course has been one of the most challenging educational efforts I have been able to finish. ‘Finish’ in the sense that I completed the assignments. However, I refer back to the book and the chapter summaries when I run into situations that involve anger, and therefore (potentially) forgiveness.

“At first, I thought that I was most challenged by having to recall and remember the  counseling and psychological concepts and practices that we learn and integrate into healthcare chaplaincy. Then, I realized that this non-theological approach to understanding and practicing forgiveness necessarily has to address some basic theological concepts  – such as right and wrong, moral thought and action, and moral character that some will say points to the character of a transcendent God, etc.

“This course has also challenged me to face and to encourage others to face the painful interactional/social nature of how we live. Most of our hurts come from others, and facing that and trying to make that better takes work and courage. In other words, I hear so many people talk of having to forgive themselves for how they have failed themselves. I wonder if this is be a way of avoiding having to face the hurt, anger, and deep sadness that can be dealt with through courageous self-examination, confrontation with others, the willingness to risk disappointment and “non-closure,” and to keep growing and maturing.

Overall, as a healthcare chaplain and a clergy person, the Forgiveness Therapy course equips me to think about and to work with forgiveness in a practical way that bridges the gap between the theology and theory and the everyday need for many to start to do something more constructive with their anger.”

Forgiveness Therapy, the online CE Course,  is based on the book by the same title written by psychologist Dr. Robert Enright and  psychiatrist Dr. Richard Fitzgibbons, director of the Institute for Marital Healing outside Philadelphia, PA. The 15-lesson course was developed by Dr. Enright and Dr. Elizabeth Gassin, Professor of Educational Psychology at Olivet Nazarene University, Bourbonnais, IL. Although primarily designed for licensed psychologists, the course has also proven beneficial for ministers, psychiatrists, social workers, nurses, and other professional counselors who have completed it.

The International Forgiveness Institute is approved by the American Psychological Association to sponsor continuing education for psychologists. The International Forgiveness Institute maintains responsibility for this program and its content.

Learn more at Forgiveness Therapy.