Tagged: “forgiveness”

What is the difference between your two books, Forgiveness Is a Choice and The Forgiving Life?

Forgiveness Is a Choice works the reader through forgiving one person who acted unjustly against the reader. The Forgiving Life goes more deeply in that it encourages the person to continue practicing forgiveness toward all the people who have offended the reader, from childhood to the present time. The point is to wipe the slate clean regarding any resentments toward anyone who has been cruel to the reader. The Forgiving Life book has as a goal the development of a love of the virtue of forgiveness through making it a part of one’s life.

In my experience, some people I know are anxious, and some are even depressed. At the same time, I see that they have suffered grave injustices against them. Yet, and importantly, these people that I know are oblivious to the connection between the injustices that they have suffered and their present psychological challenges. Even if I am wrong about this connection between their past and the challenging injustices against them, how can we safely explore the possibility that the current anxiety or depression may be caused by the disruption to their emotions from the injustices? And how can I suggest forgiveness as a way to address all of this with my clients?

One way to start is to gently examine the extent of the anxiety and/or depression. Have the clients rate the emotional challenge on the 1-to-10 scale, with a 10 being an extreme form of the emotion. If some of your clients are in the 6-to-10 range on either anxiety or depression, do they see that it would be good to address this emotion? If so, the next step is to see if: a) there are current life events that trigger the emotion; and b) the injustice from the past is still bothering any of them. If both (a) and (b) are present in any of the clients, you could gently discuss with them the existing scientific evidence that current emotional challenges can be linked to serious injustices against people that could have occurred years ago. See if the clients have any questions about this link (between past injustices and current emotional challenges). If they see this and are ready, you could examine whether or not any of these clients are open to exploring forgiveness, properly understood as not excusing, not necessarily reconciling if the offending person remains a danger, and not abandoning justice. As you did with the link between current emotional challenges and past injustices against your clients, you can show the scientific evidence that forgiving, even though it takes time, can ameliorate the excessive anxiety or depression.  It may take time for them to think about and choose forgiveness, but if this pathway is chosen, you can introduce those clients to one of our self-help forgiveness books (Forgiveness Is a Choice, The Forgiving Life, or 8 Keys to Forgiveness). These books can be used in professional therapy or as a self-help resource. Thank you for your willingness to help hurting people.

I started to forgive a family member because he angered me a lot. As I began to gain perspective on this person, I realized that he is showing no remorse. Should I stop the forgiving process or not?

Forgiving others is unconditional in that it should not be dependent on what the other person does or says. If you are motivated to forgive, then you should keep going with the forgiveness process. It might not lead to reconciliation, but it could set you free from excessive anger.

At what point does forgiveness become necessary? In other words, I can let a lot of injustices go as I move on or forget about them. How can I tell when I should begin to forgive instead of simply letting things go? And when is it better to act—to defend your rights through justice—than to extend forgiveness?

The word *necessary* has at least two meanings when you ask, “At what point does forgiveness become necessary?” The first connotation focuses on the need to cultivate forgiveness because it is morally right to do so. The term *necessary* has a second meaning that is focused on your health and well-being.

Let us begin with the first issue. Given that forgiveness is a virtue and that practicing it is always beneficial (when balanced with other virtues), it follows that it is good to extend forgiveness whenever you are the target of unfair treatment and whenever you are inspired to do so. Is it required? Yes, if your objective is to develop into a more moral person (for instance, becoming more good and loving). From a societal perspective, is it required—that is, demanded? No, forgiveness is not *necessary* in the sense that you have to extend it or risk punishment. Society does not demand it.

Now we turn to the second definition of *necessary,* which is the situation in which your health might be at risk. It is time to forgive if you are experiencing resentment and intense anger that is beginning to negatively impact your energy levels, focus, and happiness. Is it required? If you want to improve both physical and mental well-being, then, yes, it may be required as the best path forward for this. Forgiveness is the best way to deal with the negative effects that can come after unfair treatment.

Regarding your final question,  you do not have to choose between forgiveness and justice. You can appropriate both at the same time. As you forgive, the way you ask for justice might be gentler than if you approached the person while you are very angry.

If forgiveness is a gradual process when deeply hurt, how can one sustain the effort?

Let us take an analogy. Suppose you start a physical fitness program. How do you sustain it? There are at least three important components. First, you need a strong will to stay on task. Second, you need to see several months down the road so that you can be aware of likely improvements as a motivation to continue. Third, if you have a workout buddy, this person can help you continue going to the gym. It is the same with forgiveness. You need the strong will to persevere. When you see that in the months to come you can be free from challenging resentment, this becomes a strong motivation to continue. Having someone support you on the journey should be helpful, whether it is a friend who stands by you, an author of an effective self-help book, or a mental health professional with experience in Forgiveness Therapy.