Tagged: “forgiveness”
How do I deal with a 9-year-old friend of my son whose parents say that forgiveness is stupid? I do not want to impose, but at the same time, I am very sad for this child who likely is getting incorrect information about forgiveness.
It has been my experience that when people are adamantly opposed to forgiving, they always and without exception have a misunderstanding about what it actually is. It seems obvious to me that the friend of your son has discussed forgiveness with you, given that he shared his parents’ views on the matter. When forgiveness comes up again, you could gently ask this: “What do you think forgiveness is?” Be sure to explain what it is not. It is not caving into the injustices of the person who is acting unfairly. The forgiver may or may not reconcile. Try to explain that forgiving is the free will act of being good to those who are not good to the forgiver, without automatically reconciling if the other person continues with hurtful behavior. Having a conversation with the child’s parents about what forgiveness is and is not would be even better if the opportunity is available.
Can you provide at least one example of how someone can overcome the denial of excessive anger?
Sometimes people deny their anger because they see no way to cure that anger. So, out of even subconscious fear of that anger (because the person does not see a cure), then denial occurs and remains. When people see, through examining the science of forgiveness, that there is a cure for unhealthy anger, then they tend toward a willingness to take a look inside at the level of anger and to address it. Besides seeing the scientific evidence, if people who are afraid of their anger have a caring, supportive person to assist in the forgiveness process, this, too, can help to ease the fear of the anger and to let down, at least to a point for now, the denial of that anger.
You say that forgiveness interventions can reduce anger. Can this occur even with children? If so, can you provide a study for me to read?
Yes, we have found that forgiveness education with children as young as 6-years-old, who present with anger, can reduce in it. My colleagues and I did a study in Northern Ireland in which 6-year-olds started the forgiveness program and the participants were close to the clinical level of anger. After a 17-week forgiveness program (once a week for the 17 weeks), the results showed a statistically significant reduction in anger to normal levels.
The reference to this study is here:
Enright, R.D., Knutson, J.A., Holter, A.C., Baskin, T., & Knutson, C. (2007). Waging peace through forgiveness in Belfast, Northern Ireland II: Educational programs for mental health improvement of children. Journal of Research in Education, Fall, 63-78.
As a follow-up to my previous question about the denial of anger, what is your experience of people coming for help from deep injustices against them. Are they, on the average, actually more angry than they realize at least as they begin forgiving?
Yes, you have an excellent insight here. I find that people over time become aware that they have been harboring more anger than they realized when they started the forgiveness process. This is one reason why forgiveness interventions are so valuable. People start the process because they see the negative effects inside of them, yet there are deeper effects than they first realize. The forgiveness process helps uncover this extra anger and then provides a statistically significant way of reducing that anger, as well as other negative effects such as anxiety or low-self-esteem.
Does a Lack of Reconciliation Interfere with Emotional Healing Upon Forgiving?
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A small scale qualitative study in India with 12 young adults showed that even when reconciliation is not possible, there are psychological benefits for those who forgive once a relationship breaks down. The study is here:
Sengupta, Poulami, Vidisha Rai, and Atasi Mohanty. Forgive and forego? Exploring interpersonal forgiveness in non-reconciled relationships among young adults. Psychological Studies 70.1 (2025): 46-60.
